duck food.

"you know that millet is what i feed to the ducks during hunting season, right?"

thank you to my wonderfully informative step-dad for this tidbit. duck food or not, millet is rich in b vitamins, potassium, and some other things that are, i'm sure, good for both babies and ducks. and that is precisely what was on jude's menu yesterday.


mixed with a little vanilla yobaby and cinnamon, it smelled quite delicious.

jude confirmed this.



after an interesting new breakfast, we walked to the barn to feed the dogs, whom jude adores...


and the rest of our yesterday was spent at lunch with nana, poppy, and great-gran, then a nap on the way to pick up daddy from work. unfortunately, i had to come home the night before when mom got called into work while she was babysitting. so i not only missed zachary's show, i had to sleep without him! boo! but thus is parenthood. and i'm pretty ok with that. so anyway, we had to pick him up at work and then went in search of a high chair. we made a quick stop to pick up some teethers left at ms.christine's and then it was home to try out the new high chair.

he wasn't sure what to think, really. he slapped the tray, laughed, and then waited patiently while i prepared dinner. carrots and rice. with a little texture.



maybe a little TOO much texture. because he choked.

no, i don't think he really choked on the texture. it was just different than his purees, so he played with it longer in his mouth before swallowing. which i didn't realize until after he choked and i tried to give him another bite only to see he had been hoarding the previous bites. he, of course, thought this was funny as i attempted to scoop some of it out with his spoon. but this was his first "meal" of this sort. up to this point, i've been pureeing everything with the exception of an occasional avocado or banana. but those are soft foods. this was a combination of finely chopped steamed carrots mixed with chopped brown rice. i even think this one was pretty tasty. carrot face did need a bath afterward, though.


i let mom give him a bottle and keep him in her room for the night while zach was catching up on rest, and i went for a drive. my first self-induced alone time since jude has been born. the only other times i guess i've really been alone like that were times spent driving to class or maybe to get something to eat, but this time i really wanted to go it alone. it was much needed, but after the first thirty minutes of driving around to music i will admit i was a little lost. i felt the gaping hole of loneliness approaching and did my best to push back the lump in my throat and just find myself in the here and now. the "is-ness" of that moment. and you know what? it's hard! i realized that i am no longer capable of completely clearing my mind and just existing. not with my heart out there crawling around without its body. i read something similar to that somewhere. maybe on the walls of my OBGYN's office.
"making the decision to have a baby is like choosing to let your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life." something like that anyway. and it's stayed with me until now when i really comprehend the meaning behind it. when i was pregnant, i knew i would love jude. when i felt him rolling around in there, i loved him for being mine. i adored the thought that he was an expression of the love his father and i shared, and i just KNEW that when he got here i would love him the way everyone says you love a child. but what did i know? i was no mother, not yet. but now i know, and now i also know that at some point i am going to have to learn to let the love i have for him evaporate in the is-ness that makes up our great universe. not that i won't be able to channel it, not like i will be able to help but channel it, but how terrible this all-encompassing anxious love is for the well-being of my life as a force in the world! i want people to look at me and see love. a love exhibited by those such as the Shiva, Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, or Mother Theresa. instead of using this divine love i've achieved in the raising of my son, i've selfishly hoarded it. i have been blessed beyond measure by the greatest form of agape love and i have not learned from it. i have failed to send its energy back out into the universe. so, in that moment when i realized i was unable to clear my mind and meditate, or pray, i understood that i should start attempting to spread the love. and i will. also, i will vow to try and spend more time with myself, exploring my mind and reacquainting myself with it. everything must start from within. namaste.

and now, to steer away from such a complex and serious topic, i want to share some pictures of our day today...

breakfast in the car means more sleep for daddies and babies...

kindermusik...




pulling up is jude's most favorite thing...

silky...

blankies are delicious...

daddy's got my nose...

you can tell i don't drink much water... lol...

exercise...

puppies...

meguire & i play...



who is this baby?

and finally, bathtime is getting a bit difficult...


at this point, there is nothing that jude can't pull up on... he's crawling nearly everywhere (at least for the past few days, it's likely to change back to the lunge/pull anytime) and his appetite is unpredictable. some days he's voracious, others he's too busy to worry about it. i've noticed his legs slimming up over the past couple of weeks since he's started pulling up and climbing on everything. and since he's hurt his foot, he's been sleeping in footless pj's and just looks like such a grown up little boy. it's killing me, really. where did my 8lb baby go?