ten whole hours.

ten whole hours... that's how long mr.jude slept twice in a row this past week! it was simultaneously amazing and terrifying. waking up at five in the morning and realizing jude hasn't stirred: scary. my mind immediately jumps to worst possible scenario; sometime in my deep slumber my baby has stopped breathing and is now going to be blue and cold. morbid, i know. but this is part of my motherhood psychosis. in reality, however, my baby is sleeping soundly, probably dreaming of a giant breast with endlessly flowing milk. so i relax, and try to go back to sleep but now wake up every thirty minutes to make sure he is still ok. yeah, i'm usually this crazy, don't worry. but on the bright side, my son is trying to learn to sleep through the night. too bad his version of sleeping through the night is 7:30pm-4:30am. but it's alright, we will sync our schedules sometime, hopefully before his tenth birthday...

and he still hasn't rolled over anymore. but that's ok, too. i read a few articles and some babies just don't feel a need to. generally ones that are held a lot. so this past week we have had an increased amount of tummy time, which usually ends when he buries his face repeatedly into the blanket and tries to nurse it. what can i say? i'm raising a healthy eater! haha. i actually stepped on the scale with him and it said he is nearly twenty pounds, but we will see the accuracy of that when we go for his four month check-up in a couple of weeks. all i know is that he has almost completely outgrown all of his 3-6month clothes and is fitting 6-12months quite comfortably.

i was actually able to put him in his bear suit a few times lately, which is very cute. it's supposed to be sized 12 months but it came from mini-boden which is a british company and their clothes all seem a little smaller than the GAP or Old Navy. he's also ooutgrown most of his shoes, which is sad because he didn't get to wear a lot of them. he has some fat little feets! mom and kevin just got back from TN and brought him some merill's and a pair of nike's. adorable. he even worse his new balances the other day and they are a size 2.

still, for being as big as he is, i think he is extremely well-proportioned. his head isn't too big or too small and everything seems pretty symmetrical to me. he's quite lovely in photographs. :)

it's so weird how much having a child of your own changes your long-standing views on the silliest things. we all said we wouldn't turn into our parents, but i have found it's impossible. even helping raise siblings or younger cousins, or spending a lot of time with the babies of close friends doesn't prepare you for the psychotic break you undergo when it's your very own heart beating out there in front of you. you simply want everything to be perfect. all the time. and you quickly learn how impossible that also is, but it sure doesn't keep you from trying. i said at least a million times that i wouldn't be one of those germaphobe mommies chasing my kids around with antibacterial wipes, but sure enough... that will probably be me. i won't even put my fingers in his mouth to feel for teeth for fear that something under my nails will make him sick. but i don't really consider that too outlandish. i mean, he is only four months old... his immune system just isn't ready for the creepy crawlies we accumulate on our person everyday from the outside world. i'll wait until he is old enough to pick up the germs for himself.

older generations may not understand my feelings on the subject of germs, but let's face it, our world is just a little dirtier than it was 20 or 40 years ago. sorry, nanny! haha. and for all those trying to convince me that they fed their kids table scraps from the time they were infants... our table scraps are now over-processed, hormone-injected, pesticide sprayed, and preservative filled garbage. and jude is not having any part of it. little girls are hitting puberty younger and younger because of the hormones now found in meats and cow's milk. it's frightening. my OB/GYN (whom i look up to very, very much for her wonderful, although a little abstract, parenting skills) recommended breastfeeding for a year and beyond as the major source of nutrients. she says their digestive tracts aren't able to handle much else until at least about 6 months of age and then they don't need that much supplementation. she uses her food processor to puree organic fruits and veggies for her daughter and only resorts to the canned variety when on the go. and i feel very strongly about sticking to her advice.

even if everyone can't agree with me, that's alright. i don't look down on anyone else for the decisions they make for their kids. jude is mine and zachary's, and only ours. no one has the right to make decisions for him except us, no matter their intentions. i have educated myself to the best of my abilities about anything i come across dealing with babies, and this falls next to my own experiences and intuition about what is right for my son. and i am satisfied and happy with those decisions.

and as far as development goes, he's stll chugging right along with the average, nothing too exceptional or too delayed. he's still very vocal and loves to be talked to, but i had to completely cut him off of the tv because he was becoming too interested in it and not interacting. the American Association of Pediatrics recommends no television for children under the age of two and i have to say i agree. he just completely becomes a vegetable when he spots the television screen. at first i thought, well that should be ok because his little brain is studying the lights and sounds, but after doing a lot of research i found that it can have harmful effects instead. it can contribute to ADD/ADHD because of the overstimulation it causes with the constant changing sounds and lights and can create developmental delays in social skills because they are focusing all of their attention on an inanimate object instead of spending time socializing with adults (which teaches them the beginnings of language and conversation at this very critical age). what's more, they are spending less time exploring their surroundings and handling objects, which is supremely important in their understanding of the world around them. so, i'm convinced. no tv for jude. at least not now. maybe we will introduce some educational videos when he can actually understand a little bit, but for now it's the all mommy and daddy network.

reminiscing.

jude may not even be four months old yet, but i still get teary-eyed when looking back at pictures of his first few weeks. i'm sitting and watching a friend's video of his new daughter and it makes me desperately miss that fragile little boy i had three months ago. and i know i've said i'm glad for him to be out of that incredibly breakable stage, and i am, but i can't help but miss the days he fit securely in the center of my chest, near my heart, unable to roll off on his own. we still sleep in the bed we put up in his bedroom, and given it is a full-size bed and not a queen, but there is increasingly less room for the three of us when i bring jude into the bed. and i long for those simple days when slept most of the time, sometimes, when i'm utterly exhausted. i'm so glad now to interact with him, but he was just so sweet laying there with his eyes closed all the time! his constant need to be up and moving isn't a hindrance or an annoyance, it just reminds me that he needs me less and less. perhaps that is what keeps me so focused on breastfeeding and therefore successful in continuing with it. that is our time, just mommy and jude. he is really hard to share! and so many people want to spend time with him. lately that has been on my mind a lot. i worry about what our families think about the time he is available to them. and it crushes me with an unbearable weight. one on hand, i feel the overwhelming desire to please everyone. and on the other hand i feel the days i have at home with him at this age slipping through my fingers quicker than sand. and it feels that the more time i spend with him, the more time i need. i'm not ready to be away from him for even a night, i know this. and i hate when he is out of my sight. i worry about all the crazy little things that could happen, or especially the things that i am missing. i'm terrified that someone will have him in the other room away from me and he will finally laugh out loud and i won't see it. i am struggling everyday to hold myself together; to envision the days he will run to me yelling "mommy!" and hug me, while clinging to the memories we are making right now. i think this first year is so important, with so many "firsts" and i refuse to miss out on any of them. i already kick myself for not taking more live video these first few months. but nonetheless, i suppose it's hard to get everything perfect the first time, not knowing what to expect so i can't be too hard on myself.

as for what is going on in jude's world... well, firstly he slept 8 glorious hours last night. i woke up at 6 thinking for sure he had stopped breathing sometime during the night, but alas, he was sleeping ever so soundly. he had actually gone to sleep around 9:30 and then woke up being carried upstairs and so i nursed him back to sleep at 11:30 and he slept through until 7:30. needless to say, mommy felt somewhat refreshed. he's been taking about 3 short naps and one long nap everyday. 3-6pm is usually when he takes his long naps, but it sometimes varies. in all honesty, his napping times and frequency makes it hard to have company or go visit anyone. i hate disturbing him worse than almost anything because, like clockwork, if he doesn't get his naps out he is grumpy and won't sleep well at all that night. but we did find a new way of getting this fussy boy to sleep. while we were walking around toys r us, mom was carrying him in a cradle hold but facing out and he went to sleep without us even noticing. and sleep is becoming more important to me because especially since this cold weather has set in i have been feeling persistently drowsy and exhausted. and that's no good for anyone... also, mom got jude an exersaucer. it's amazing and he adores it. mostly because he likes to stand up or sit like a big boy. this thing is like a stationary walker with toys all around it for him to explore. he's not toy crazy or anything yet, but he likes to touch, mouth, and listen. and drool all over it! he's still drooling pretty consistently, especially if there is food cooking, but i haven't seen any teeth yet and i refuse to put my fingers in his mouth because of germs, like i said before. especially with all these yucky versions of the flu spreading like wildfire. i'm actually debating on a flu shot for myself but not quite convinced.

anyway, i hear him waking up and i'm going to collect him before he wakes his dad, who worked 24 hours this weekend. :)

how time flies when you're having fun!

wow! so it has been over two weeks since my last post! where did those days go?! i remember after posting my last update i was already wanting to post again like the next day but i kept telling myself "no, wait until there is a real milestone!" well, those milestones came and went and i totally lapsed in posting about them so now i don't know on which days they occurred! sad, i know...

but, on the bright side, those milestones HAVE occurred and are being perfected with each passing day. so, in the past two weeks...

jude has finally had his "ah-ha" moment with his hands. it was actually less than a week after i last wrote when his hand passed in front of his face and he kind of looked in the direction it went and since then every time one of them is in front of his face he just stares and stares... and then puts it in his mouth. haha. the hand to eye to mouth, and eye to hand to mouth are his favorite new series of development. sometimes his touch reflex to grab then results in him unknowingly flailing a soft toy or rattle around until he spots it and then directs it to his mouth for tasting. other times he watches, for instance, his toys dangling from his carseat, reaches toward them until he at last gets a good grip on one, and then proceeds to bring it toward his mouth. i read an article about whether or not to discourage babies/toddlers from taste-testing everything and believe it or not, it is actually a good learning tool for them to mouth everything. well, obviously not EVERYTHING, but things you can monitor and clean. like their toys, blankets, clothes, etc. they aren't just tasting, they are using their tongue and mouth as an exploratory tool like their fingers. which jude also loves to keep near his mouth at all times. one of my biggest peeves, because of this, is people who grab his hands without first santizing their own and especially people who kiss his hands or allow him to put his hands in/around their mouths. it makes me wonder if people are unaware of how dirty the human mouth is! once he is a bit older, it won't be so much of a worry but right now he is busily developing a fragile immune system and simply doesn't need the extra germs and bacteria. and for heaven's sake, it is flu season!!!

grumbling aside, i am happy to say that in the past two weeks, jude's first cold is not on the list of milestones. i attribute his pretty excellent immunity thusfar to breastfeeding and avoiding contact with too many people and public places due to the H1N1 catastrophy. the very last thing i want for him is to get sick. i am not exactly the horrible germaphone i was during his first 8 weeks, but i am still a proud believer in handwashing and germ-x. so, if you want to hold or play with my baby, use it! you can never be too careful.

oh, and jude has finally rolled over. i was really starting to get worried about this since he doesn't get much time to himself between me, my mom, and zach everyday, but he has once again proved his proficiency. just yesterday i laid him on his tummy on a playmat and he immediately rolled over to his back like he had been doing it for years. when i rolled him back over, he spit up, so i abandoned the attempt for an extended practice session. zach saw him roll over a few weeks ago, but this was the first time on a completely flat surface that he accomplished it. exciting.

we still don't have an out loud chuckle or real giggle, although he does squeal with delight and make "ha" sounds when he thinks something is funny or exciting. he is still very verbal, and getting moreso each day. tummy time is one of his favorite times for squealing and making excited sounds, and the morning and nighttime are his favorite times for conversations. he spends a lot of time quietly observing his surroundings, and attempting to mimick sounds i make to him. music and loud sounds such as rattling now quiet him and interest him. which helps if he gets restless in the car. he still prefers the simpler baby songs to complex music, and because of this he really seems to like the early Beatles' songs. and tv... oh gosh. already. i keep reassuring myself that it is only because of the flashing lights (another favorite of jude's) and differing sounds, but he will actually sit and watch the tv as if in a trance. i sat him up next to his boppy on the couch and he watched Madagascar 2 for about 10 minutes. i have been trying to limit how much exposure he has to the tv, but right now i must say it's pretty cute. :)

he is determined to grow up so fast! now that his head is almost completely steady when he is upright he thinks it is time to sit up. when laid on his back, he does little crunches in attempt to bring himself to a sitting position, and when he is propped up at an angle, with a little help from me of course, he can pull himself upright. he loves to sit like a big boy and i guess explore his world from a new point of view. it's amazing.

along with new views of exploration, it appears as though his eyesight is getting better and more extensive. for a couple of weeks he has been really interested in bright colors and no longer just black and white or contrasting ones. he seems to prefer red right now and like i mentioned earlier he really digs flashing lights of any color. the brighter, the better now. and he can see small things now, and studies them very hard. he is also noticing my mom's dog when she walks past his line of sight.

and speaking of all this visual exploration, as i said it is so neat the way it ties into his sense of touch. what he sees he now wants to touch or hold. and he is improving his motor skills each day. at first, it was more of a shaky movement in the direction of whatever he had spotted, but his hands are getting more steady and his aim more accurate. i can't wait until he figures out how to purposefully make sounds with his toys.

above all else, however, he still prefers faces to toys. he notices the camera when i take a picture now but once he realizes my face is behind it, he forgets about it and concentrates on me. he is really grinning so much, and sometimes when he just looks up and smiles at me for no reason at all, it still makes me want to cry.