reminiscing.

jude may not even be four months old yet, but i still get teary-eyed when looking back at pictures of his first few weeks. i'm sitting and watching a friend's video of his new daughter and it makes me desperately miss that fragile little boy i had three months ago. and i know i've said i'm glad for him to be out of that incredibly breakable stage, and i am, but i can't help but miss the days he fit securely in the center of my chest, near my heart, unable to roll off on his own. we still sleep in the bed we put up in his bedroom, and given it is a full-size bed and not a queen, but there is increasingly less room for the three of us when i bring jude into the bed. and i long for those simple days when slept most of the time, sometimes, when i'm utterly exhausted. i'm so glad now to interact with him, but he was just so sweet laying there with his eyes closed all the time! his constant need to be up and moving isn't a hindrance or an annoyance, it just reminds me that he needs me less and less. perhaps that is what keeps me so focused on breastfeeding and therefore successful in continuing with it. that is our time, just mommy and jude. he is really hard to share! and so many people want to spend time with him. lately that has been on my mind a lot. i worry about what our families think about the time he is available to them. and it crushes me with an unbearable weight. one on hand, i feel the overwhelming desire to please everyone. and on the other hand i feel the days i have at home with him at this age slipping through my fingers quicker than sand. and it feels that the more time i spend with him, the more time i need. i'm not ready to be away from him for even a night, i know this. and i hate when he is out of my sight. i worry about all the crazy little things that could happen, or especially the things that i am missing. i'm terrified that someone will have him in the other room away from me and he will finally laugh out loud and i won't see it. i am struggling everyday to hold myself together; to envision the days he will run to me yelling "mommy!" and hug me, while clinging to the memories we are making right now. i think this first year is so important, with so many "firsts" and i refuse to miss out on any of them. i already kick myself for not taking more live video these first few months. but nonetheless, i suppose it's hard to get everything perfect the first time, not knowing what to expect so i can't be too hard on myself.

as for what is going on in jude's world... well, firstly he slept 8 glorious hours last night. i woke up at 6 thinking for sure he had stopped breathing sometime during the night, but alas, he was sleeping ever so soundly. he had actually gone to sleep around 9:30 and then woke up being carried upstairs and so i nursed him back to sleep at 11:30 and he slept through until 7:30. needless to say, mommy felt somewhat refreshed. he's been taking about 3 short naps and one long nap everyday. 3-6pm is usually when he takes his long naps, but it sometimes varies. in all honesty, his napping times and frequency makes it hard to have company or go visit anyone. i hate disturbing him worse than almost anything because, like clockwork, if he doesn't get his naps out he is grumpy and won't sleep well at all that night. but we did find a new way of getting this fussy boy to sleep. while we were walking around toys r us, mom was carrying him in a cradle hold but facing out and he went to sleep without us even noticing. and sleep is becoming more important to me because especially since this cold weather has set in i have been feeling persistently drowsy and exhausted. and that's no good for anyone... also, mom got jude an exersaucer. it's amazing and he adores it. mostly because he likes to stand up or sit like a big boy. this thing is like a stationary walker with toys all around it for him to explore. he's not toy crazy or anything yet, but he likes to touch, mouth, and listen. and drool all over it! he's still drooling pretty consistently, especially if there is food cooking, but i haven't seen any teeth yet and i refuse to put my fingers in his mouth because of germs, like i said before. especially with all these yucky versions of the flu spreading like wildfire. i'm actually debating on a flu shot for myself but not quite convinced.

anyway, i hear him waking up and i'm going to collect him before he wakes his dad, who worked 24 hours this weekend. :)