just a quickie to see if i've still got it.

i fear most
the pen to the paper
hurried for tides washing away ink
to depth known or unknown
it's hard to care
for more than the moment
(does it truly exist?)
worlds transmuted transatlantic
him to him
my sorrow increasing in measure
with my smiles
stretching farther than the east indian trade routes
into a hell i've built
for you
for me
to become heaven in routine
and out of the ordinary
laced in curtains curtailing
your every move
i care not
yet only so much
you are everything, you have become
one half
of the center of my universe
my sun.
our son.
the reason.

iron man.

apparently i'm raising a future body-builder. :)

weighing in at nearly fifteen pounds at eight weeks old earned an exclamation of "breastfeeding seems to be working out for him!" from the nurse as we laid him on those cold little baby scales. and then with the measuring tape... 24 inches! it really hit me how big he was when i saw my grandmother holding him the other day. she looked even smaller in stature next to my big boy. and the thing is, he isn't all that chubby. just "solid" as my papaw put it. we actually have a hard time sizing him in clothes because everything for babies seems to be square where he is more rectangular. the past couple of weeks he has transitioned from size 0-3M to 3-6M. long and lean, that's my baby jude. and strong. he can already sit pretty well in his bumbo chair, with only the occasional head nodding and bobbing. and on his tummy he can push himself up until his arms are completely straight and his head is facing forward. and he's been doing that for a couple of weeks now. this morning i was holding him under the arms and letting his feet hit the floor and he was jumping off of the ground. it almost makes me sad to know he is growing so quickly. as terrified as i was at the time, i am starting to miss those really fragile first weeks. now when he eats, he is sitting in my lap instead of me holding him in my arms. sigh...

and as of today he is officially in size 2 diapers. i've been putting it off for a week because i didn't want to admit that he was really getting that big, but after being peed on while nursing a couple of times and nearly ruining about five outfits with poop that just wouldn't stay put, i have decided it's time. double sigh...

the only reassuring thing about his getting older are his responsive little smiles and ever-growing curiosity and attentiveness. and i say it every night while i am wrestling him to sleep, but he is such a cancer! emotional to the core. moody. homebody. momma's boy. empathetic. comfort-seeker. etc... it may sound like a bad combination, but in reality he is one of the sweetest and funniest little babies i have ever seen. he won't fall asleep unless we are cuddling or nursing, and is definitely a soothe-sucker. me, a bottle, or a pacifier (though he prefers momma) and his eyes shift to out of focus and close quicker than you can blink. anything less and he'll force himself to stay awake until the cows come home.

he's starting to get distracted at bedtime and when he eats by anything bright, moving, or any contrasting colors. it makes it increasingly hard to nurse him on a schedule because it may take 45 minutes for him to eat. he'll nurse awhile, then unlatch himself and stare at the fan, nurse, smile at the wall, and so on. it's terribly cute though. just like the thumb-sucking. as zachary says, this little boy has me wrapped around his littlest finger so he can continue to do whatever it is he is doing with his hands. i keep telling zach that he doesn't understand the meaning of manipulation and cause/effect for quite a few more months, but there is no convincing him, and sometimes i'm not quite convinced myself.

all i know is that i'm falling harder with the passing of each day.

ten incredible weeks.

today marks ten whole weeks of life for our little henry jude. being so accustomed to counting life in weeks since pregnancy, i find it hard to name his age in months. particularly since the way most people count their children's age is by the actual day the child was born. for instance, jude would have been considered two months old on september 7th, whereas he was actually 8 weeks old on september 1st. i'm so torn as to how best to describe his age. oh well, ten weeks works for now.

he is growing so fast; i simply cannot stress that enough. today for the first time he has sucked his thumb. he's been gnawing on those fists for about three weeks now and found his thumb about three days ago, but it was this evening when he finally realized how to get it into his mouth and use it as a pacifier substitute. i was amazed, although slightly disappointed that he has decided to become a thumb-sucker. it's extremely cute but orthodontically a nightmare.

i've noticed him becoming more aware of his hands, though he isn't really using them purposefully yet except to chew on and to rub his eyes. this past week he has started to rub his eyes when he gets tired, which i find to be really sweet. it's been so exciting to watch him do this, as it wasn't that long ago that he was only taking notice of his hands if one of them happened to get close enough to his mouth with all the flailing about he was doing. i have yet to see an "ah ha" moment where he realizes that those things swinging around above his face are under his control, but i'm waiting patiently. i guess the more things he can do with them, the more he will come to understand the possibilities. he can grab and hold things easily now but it will be fun to see him reach for something. right now, he is starting to grab everything that touches his hands. blankets, rattles, fingers, and my hair.

and every day he becomes more and more vocal. he now imitates sounds i make like "hiii" and "ooooooo" and watches my mouth and facial movements with complete fascination. he raises his eyebrows in a variety of expressions and even scowls. like i've said, he becomes more animated daily.

as far as sleeping habits, things have changed and continue to change from time to time. the first six weeks he slept so much during the day that he woke up every two hours during the night to eat, but as time has gone on he started going about four hours during the night and two to three during the day. he slept eight full hours for the first time a couple of weeks ago and until his vaccinations last tuesday was sleeping six to eight every night. since the vaccinations he has been sleeping about four hours, but i'm hoping that will lengthen again. "bedtime" the first month or so was whenever we went to bed (usually after midnight) just because he was only sleeping for two hours at a time and was doing so all day long. eventually we started to get him into a routine of bathtime between 8-9pm and bedtime between 9:30-10:30pm with a feeding inbetween. nursing is the easiest way to get him to sleep, especially if we are laying down in the bed together. although i've read a lot of dr.sears and his philosophies on co-sleeping it wasn't something i was really comfortable with until after the first month. there were nights during those early weeks that i let him sleep on my chest but i was so afraid of smothering him or accidentally rolling over with him there that i didn't sleep well at all. and even now, i let him sleep until the first time he wakes (now it is around 2-2:30am but it was between 4:30-6am) and then i bring him to bed to nurse and sleep out the duration of the night. i think the important thing is what works for each family and this works for us.

our daily routine is always subject to change, but generally our day starts around 8 or 9am when he wakes up and we talk and play for awhile. if i get up with him then he will stay awake for a little while before needing a nap but if we stay in bed he will sleep with me until 11am or later. it's indescribeably nice to have a baby who lets me sleep in if i want. he has just recently started to get fussy when he is tired. he acts hungry, but most of the time a pacifier and a good patting or rocking will put him right out. i'm in the bad habit of not letting him get himself to sleep, but he is able so hopefully i won't ruin him. after we get up we spend the day either hanging out watching movies, or reading, sometimes cleaning, and most of the time with my mom at her house by late afternoon. his favorite things to do are stare at walls, ceiling fans, and we try to go outside and walk around at least a couple of times every day, which he loves. he is usually nursing every two to three hours but sometimes he cluster-feeds so it's every hour and really wears me out. inbetween active awake time, feedings,and quiet wakeful observation, he naps. naps can be anywhere from 15 minutes to three or more hours. and if he has been allowed a generous number of naps during the day, he almost always sleeps better at night.

this is all i can think to say for now since it's getting so late. until next time!

the first entry.

following in the steps of my favorite motherhood commemorator, i proudly introduce what she calls my "grown-up blog" for the life i'm leading as a first-time mommy! i can definitely say that my experience couldn't have been what it is without her creative inspiration, most importantly following her lead in photography and blogging. thanks to miss kayla nunn, i now have pictures of my growing bump as well as posted thoughts and happenstance of each precious week of my pregnancy. it's been so much fun to read her journals and check out her pics to see a glimpse of what my future what would like!

what's more, once her little story jade joined the world in february, i got to witness (through the miracle of the internet!) what life after bump could be like! it really helped keep my spirits high through those last four, almost five, months to see her little bundle blosoming beautifully as my belly just seemed to bulge bigger and bigger... and now that my bouncing boy has finally made his arrival as well, it's interesting to compare objectively our life experiences as well as continually glimpsing in the direction we are headed as a new family who doesn't necessarily fit the "normal" mold and is proud of it!

so for now i leave you with earlier blogs that i've posted on facebook since the birth of my bouncing baby boy, henry jude...

take a sad song & make it better. (week one!)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 4:38pm

today marks the end of mine & zachary's first week of parenthood. and i can't begin to put into words what this experience has been. astonishing, fantastic, overwhelming, and perfect are just a few terms that i might use.


i assumed that no longer being pregnant would bring a certain relief that i had been praying for over the past few months. the last thing i expected was to miss it. but honestly even the first few hours after jude was born i was already feeling phantom kicks and twists in my belly. and then once i saw how fragile he was all i could think was how much safer he would be back in the womb. but once i held and comforted him, nursing him for the first time, i knew it didn't get any better than that feeling.


immediately after he was born, i remember looking over to where they were cleaning him up and seeing that tiny body and hearing those powerful lungs crying out and just crying with him. it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life. by far. then they put him in my arms and he was so alert, looking for the sound of my voice and blinking rapidly. and i fell in love.


each day since then i have only fallen harder and harder for the angel face that my world now revolves around. all he does is eat and sleep and i couldn't find anything more interesting to do than simply sit and stare if i tried. and when those little eyes are open and he is awake for those short periods of time, oh my. my my my. i long to know what he is thinking about so much it is almost painful.


and he grows so quickly. today was his first visit to the pediatrician and he now weighs 8 pounds and 4 ounces and is 22 inches long. he was born at 8 pounds and dropped to 7pounds and 11 ounces before we left the hospital (which is totally normal) and so he has gained a pretty significant amount. the doctor, who just so happened to be the first doctor to see me after i was born which was a neat coincidence, said he was a "keeper". :) perfectly healthy and fine.


there is so much more to say but for now i would much rather be spending time with my son. <3



nearly six weeks & how time flies.

Saturday, August 15, 2009 at 11:48pm

i couldn't lie to you and say it's been easy. it's a journey, as is all else in life. becoming one half of this partnership called parenthood, becoming one whole mother to one tiny infant, and trying to be myself all at the same time.


my recovery from childbirth has been a long one. aside from the physical recovery, which included perpetual exhaustion due to mild anemia, it's been a tough road emtionally and mentally. i'd heard stories of postpartum depression and never truly understood until i dealt with its consequences. hormones are raging and dropping catastrophically and there's little anyone can do to try and feel balanced. i cried, i felt anger, i experienced the sensation of being totally lost and alone, became overwhelmed, battled loss of apetite, and dealt with more emotions than ever in my life. but i feel now as though i have conquered that stage in all of this. i feel healthy and in control, even comfortable with all of my new responsibilities.


perhaps my favorite part of motherhood is the rewarding feeling of having mastered breastfeeding. it is much more of a challenge than you might think. suffering through the nasty stages of engorgement and soreness, being determined not to stress over whether or not you are producing enough milk for your baby's growth and development... these situations brought me to tears. but finally jude and i surpassed the obstacles and now get to spend quality time together doing something only we can share. the very thought that i alone can provide the most beneficial nutrition for my son is overwhelmingly amazing. the Lord has truly designed this perfectly, and i am most blessed.


also, after agonizing and much prayer and deliberation, i've decided to stay home with jude instead of returning to work. i hope my boss and my wonderfully dear co-workers will understand that although i need the money, i feel like i've made the best decision for my baby. as amazing as my mother is, and not diminishing what a help she has been to me for the past month and a half, i don't want her to have to raise my son. i would be working as much as zachary and neither of us would be home with jude until 6pm each weekday. after the birth of your child, you realize how many "firsts" they experience daily. to miss out on any of these seemingly miniscule events would be devastating to me. and though it is tough for me to stay closed up in our house with the baby all the time, i know how worth it all this time spent will be in the end.


in short, the bond that jude and i share is unlike anything. i have fallen more in love with him as each second passes by. and this love that i have for him has made me love zachary more deeply as well. the fact that we, as a team, have done this and are doing this is utterly astounding. he is the best partner i could ask for, the best father, and my best friend. watching his interactions with jude makes my heart skip a beat. jude loves his daddy so much and i couldn't be any more thankful for such a bond between those two, and the bond that the three of us share together because of it. like i said so many weeks ago, jude truly has sprung up from a love between two people that was so great the only expression left was the creation of new life. i look at our son and what i see is a love made eternal in the form of a soul. our two hearts are now lying there, intertwined for a lifetime that will reach beyond ours...



two months of life.

Saturday, August 29, 2009 at 11:45pm

what a loaded title for this note. two months of life for my beautiful baby boy. two months of life for his father and i. i never lived until i lived every day with my son. all those experiences you think are making life worth it are nothing compared to the absolute elation and completion you feel when you have a child. he is someone to share my world with and someone i can share with the world. my first great contribution.


i won't go on and on about the love i have for jude this time. instead, i will tell you a little about the changes we have been going through. i look back at pictures of his birth and the subsequent couple of months and the change is astounding. tonight i looked back at the pictures from the hospital and luckily when uploaded onto the computer they have date and time stamps. we have pictures of his first breath at 11:28 and his first minute at 11:29. i can't imagine what it must have felt like to be so green, so new. he had yet to really experience anything and at the same time had just had the biggest experience of his life. for nine long months he was swimming around in a warm fluid with only muffled sounds and my heartbeat for company, until he was forcefully expelled from that home into a much, much larger one. something my mother-in-law said will always stick with me: "here he was in this strange, loud place not sure about anything and when he heard your and zach's voices, the look on his face was 'oh ok, ok... i know those voices, and if they are here too then this place can't be that bad'. it warms my heart to tears. can you imagine something so foreign as an entire world shift? i was so captured by the thought of everything being so new to him that i spent the next several weeks taking more than a thousand pictures to record every new experience he had... first time he heard the song "hey jude", first time he rode in the car, first trip to nana's, etc... it is so unbelievable that i was there to witness someone's first time being outside in the sunshine. and the way he reacs to all these new experiences has changed so dramatically already. every day he becomes more interested in his world and learns to express himself in a manner that we can understand. for the past three weeks, he has been learning to smile. possibly my favorite milestone so far! he really enjoys his morning feedings when the sun has come up and we talk to and smile at each other for awhile before he falls back to sleep. he gets more interactive all the time. he is finally past the eat, sleep, poop stage and actually gets bored if he stays in one place for too long. he is very vocal about what he wants. he smiles in response to things that please him, too. for instance, he loves the picture frames hanging on the wall behind our couch and smiles when he glances up and notices them. he really likes the taste of his mylicon gas drops, which are the only other things he has tasted besides breastmilk and formula. and he isn't picky when it comes to a bottle. i prefer him to have breastmilk, but he has had about four bottles of formula and drains them like a champ. something really fun was taking him swimming for the first time on his daddy's birthday. we finally shed the swim trunks and diaper and let just let him be and he kicked and wiggled his heart out. he is very relaxed by water of any sort, which is fitting i suppose since he is a water sign astrologically. bathtime has gone from an unfortunately necessary experience for him to his favorite part of every day. i guess the 6 extra pounds of body fat help with not getting so cold because he has also stopped crying during clothing and diaper changes. another change has been his skin and hair. at around 3 weeks old he got the red rash that a lot of babies get and started getting bad heat rashes and that has finally cleared up for the most part and his skin doesn't seem to be as sensitive. around the same time he started to lose that pretty strawberry blonde hair he was born with and it is now growing back as what seems to be dark blonde. his eyes, too, have changed, going from dark blue to dark grey. it has been so strange to watch his little face bloom before my eyes. his cheeks are rounder, his eyes brighter and more knowing, and his entire demeanor more brilliant. i cannot wait for the first laugh, the first time he says 'mommy', and the first steps he takes. until then, i will be poised and ready with my camera so as not to miss a single second. :)

7/7/09 11:30pm

two minutes of life.




8/26/09 10:51am

seventy-one thousand, two hundred and forty-three minutes of life.