the first mother's day...

[i actually started this on mother's day and had no time to finish it before jude woke up and off i went to be mommy...]

you know, i really kind of hate days that are specifically labeled one day a year to be celebrated commercially... i would rather feel like each day is worth celebrating. nonetheless, i was kind of looking forward to my first mother's day. neither zach nor i are very good at gifting... well, in all fairness to him, he can be very good at it when he wants to. or when he has the time to, i suppose. so i try not to make a big deal out of birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. for the most part.

this morning at 6am, jude woke me up and REFUSED to go back to bed. at first, i will have to admit that i got up, plopped him down in his crib and laid back down with the covers over my head for another thirty minutes. then, realizing i needed to get a card for my own mother (procrastination station, right here) i took advantage of the opportunity (jude being up before his normal breakfast time) and packed him up in the tahoe and off we went to walmart. it was nice doing something like that, just jude and i. that rarely happens. so we snapped up a couple of cards, a DVD, and a plant and headed home. i stopped in the driveway to get jude out of his carseat to sign the cards and then went in and traded cards with mom. it was such a super nice feeling to be able to share that experience with my mother. she had gotten me a card "from jude" which was very thoughtful and i loved it.
when zach got home, he handed off his cards, and after i read them i pointed out that one of them was something a son would totally say to their mother (ironically, the one he labeled as "fitting" for us) and so we had a good laugh about that. i guess that's how it goes in relationships... you usually raise your man, and when you have a child together, you are pretty much "mom" to both. so maybe i shouldn't label this as my first mother's day afterall ;)
i can't complain though because zach is downstairs right now freezing pureed chicken in ice cube trays for me so i can gobble down the bowl of cereal (that he brought to me) and finish the first season of weeds. i am so truly lucky and blessed.

of course i should be doing homework...

so i should be finishing my last essays of the semester, or at least watching/listening to the documentaries i am writing them on... but instead i am drawn to the internet like a moth to a flame. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that, as a mother, i spend each day (all day long until around 9pm) constantly taking care of my child. my poor brain seeks refuge from all the thoughts, ideas, worries, etc in the vast ocean of entertainment known as the interwebz. it is so ridiculously EASY to waste away entire HOURS doing nothing but googling. for instance, i might begin by googling song lyrics only to find myself "bargain" shopping two whole hours later. it's so strange to realize that the very same train of thought i might have while trying to fall asleep (you know, you start thinking of one thing only to have that lead to this and this lead to that before you forget what on earth you were contemplating to begin with) also occurs externally in my lap on a computer screen. when did i let my brain become a 13" macbook pro?! exactly. while the information available online simply can't be beat, the endless amount of distractions one is subject to encounter during a browsing session really, really detracts from the initial usefulness. if we spent a fraction of the time that we waste surfing the web devoting ourselves, instead, to creative or academic interests... well, the possibilities are endless. and if we spent it in solitude and silence, just think how much less chaotic our lives would feel. what if we spent that hour a day in prayer or praising the Divine power of the creator/initiator of all of this madness? how connected to the universe would you be?! i mean, hell, you'd practically be an avatar, right?! but seriously, mother nature needs to be more in sync with us than the information superhighway. just think about it...

now, after all this banter, i will probably continue searching for distractions well into the wee hours of the morning before falling asleep in just enough time to be in a comatose state by the time jude wakes up, thereby ruining my entire day tomorrow with the need for a nap that i'm sure won't happen. for the past few days jude has decided that he no longer wants to nap from 10am-1pm... just my luck... i am finally nearly finished with school and now that i would actually be able to enjoy these three-hour naps with him, the opportunity is no longer available... hopefully he will get back on schedule soon. i think he might be cutting more teeth, honestly. he's been waking up and keeping me up in the middle of the night (which he has never done) or else sort of waking up but mainly just crying with his eyes shut as though he were asleep when he's really somewhere inbetween. i feel sorry for the poor little thing, but part of me really just needs sleep. something's got to give... and it will probably end up being me. if you're looking for me, i'll be the bawling mess in the floor with my ten month old at 4:30am...

another rushed update...

i actually started this last night and of course jude wakes up in his crib crying to get in the bed with zach and i so i couldn't finish... but here you go!

still no time for photos, barely time for blogging. tonight (friday night) i turned in my final blackboard assignment so all i have left until the end of the semester is a two-part take home essay for my rock documentary class and an ecology final on monday night. YAY!!! the end is finally in sight...

so of course while i'm having an incredibly busy last month of school jude is learning and growing like a weed. i regret not being able to spend more time with him for the past month. it seems like everyday, as soon as my mom gets home in the morning, i hand him off and trudge unwillingly up the stairs to the solitude of my bedroom to write papers and do homework. i HATE that. i hated being in class 3 nights a week, too. nearly half of the week i do not get to be the one who bathes him and puts him to bed. but thankfully that is over now. or at least it will be after monday. i am so ready to spend the summer with my baby! (and zach, too)

we put down a partial deposit for our new apartment and will be getting the keys sometime tomorrow, hopefully. we are supposed to be out of our duplex in harrodsburg by the 18th, so about two more weeks and we will be moved to lexington. YAY again!!! however, i know that the moving is also going to take away from my time with jude, so i am not too happy about that. plus we haven't packed a single thing as of yet... bleh.

so anyway, like i said earlier it seems that since i have been too busy to blog jude has given me lots to blog about. i would love to go into detail about everything but honestly i am barely able to keep my eyes open at the moment. due to this, i am just going to be brief so at least i know it all got recorded.

jude can stand! he's a real pro at the cruising thing now and is getting more independent by the second. he can even pull up against the walls or doors! he used to need something to grab ahold of but now it's just so long as he has something to lean his weight on initially. once he's up, he doesn't need to lean on anything. i had been noticing this for a couple of weeks and then he finally just stood alone. accidentally of course. the first time was at my friend jesse's apartment and the second time was in my room at mom's. zach and i were fighting so i was in the floor playing with jude. he pulled up and was holding onto my shoulder and i absentmindedly handed him a flat little mirror to look at and he grabs it with both hands and hovers for about 5 seconds before realizing what he was doing and abruptly sitting down. since then i have been doing everything i can, trying to trick him into doing it again. he's done it a couple of times and then tonight i got him to stand several times in the grass outside. he's going to be walking soon! ahhhh!!! hello, baby gates!

jude has had meat, cheese, white potatoes, flax(in yogurt), cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus, and probably a few more things since i've last done a food update. he had the white potatoes tonight with his pureed meat and seemed to really like them. i feel terrible for not sticking to his new food schedule this month, but i really just haven't had the time to cook, puree, and freeze everything. so hopefully we can fit in everything from the 8-10months category that he hasn't had into the 10-12months time period.

also, i think i am starting to wean him. I THINK. i have such mixed feelings about the whole mess. it started when i realized that we were almost out of the vast supply of frozen breast milk that once took up so much space in mom's deep freezer. i had been dumping a lot of milk on class nights when zach and i went to the movies so that i wouldn't have to buy ice and bring a cooler. plus i was convinced that we had like a never-ending supply stored up. obviously not. so we bought some of the enfamil with lipil, the only kind of formula jude has ever had, and gave him a bottle to try. it might be gross to you guys, but when i heat up a bottle of my milk i usually taste test rather than wrist test because i don't trust my skin as much as my mouth when it comes to the accidental burning my sweet baby. well, i will have to say that breast milk is a delicacy compared to formula. it actually tastes like milk. and sweet milk at that. formula tastes like CRAP. i wasn't even thinking as i held the bottle up and squirted the tiniest taste onto my tongue... habit, i guess... but i gagged. ugh. it tastes like medicine or vitamins or metal or something! i felt like a horrible mother for subjecting my child to that. but you know what? he didn't seem to mind. now, no one else besides myself and my mom have tried to give him a bottle of this stuff, so it might just be because he trusts us and is used to us giving him bottles... but he really didn't even seem to notice a difference. i can tell that he doesn't really gulp it as greedily as he does my milk in a bottle, but he doesn't make a bad face or anything. and he pretty much makes a bad face to anything food-wise. but yeah, so i stopped feeling bad when i give him formula and am thinking i might start trying to wean him gradually. i had been wondering how exactly i was going to go about weaning him. on his first birthday do i just refuse to nurse him? no, of course not. i didn't think i would ever supplement with formula but i am not so opposed to it now. i am so conflicted, though.

on the one hand, breastfeeding is REALLY convenient. no bottles, formula, boiled water, etc to lug around and i don't have to take time to measure and mix the bottle. but on the other hand, i DO have to tote my pump bag around everywhere along with bottles (just in case) whenever i go out with mom or take jude somewhere for the day. and pumping takes like 10 minutes. so it totally sucks when you are stuck in traffic on your way to lexington and there is a crying, sleepy baby that really just wants to nurse. scoop, mix, and shake seems a lot simpler than the whole pumping thing. so maybe i will just enjoy the best of both worlds for the next couple of months and pack formula and water just in case, instead of my pump. but that brings me back to the not being sure this is what i want... if breastfeeding wasn't such a complete hassle sometimes then i would honestly probably want to extend it past a year for jude. it's been such a blessing. i have loved to spend that quality time with my baby. and being pretty much the only one who can provide him with the nutrition he needs has been pretty gratifying, really. and the thought that this nutrition is by far the absolute best i am capable of giving is really cool. but then there is the selfish side of me that wants to lose this last 10-15lbs, the one who wants to smoke the occasional cigarette with my beer at a Klime show and the mommy who is just tired of feeling TIRED! i don't drink as much water as i should, which has a lot to do with it i know, but honestly breastfeeding had made me feel perpetually exhausted. i just want my body back, and though that seems selfish to me at times, other times i think that's ok. i carried this little pea around with me for nine months and so now it's been over 18 months since i've been able to just do what i want with myself. so who knows what will happen with this weaning thing. despite the selfish mommy that sometimes rears her ugly head, i know that weaning is going to be harder and more emotional for me than it ever will be for jude. sigh.

now, after that ridiculous rant, let's see... what else has jude been doing?

oh! he points! this has really started to happen during the past week but he's been pointing occasionally for about a month at least. but now he points at things he wants. it's super cute. and helpful! haha. and also, i swear he said bye-bye tonight and waved as we were leaving the derby party at tom and kelly's. who knows with this kid these days. dadadada and up are his favorite words but sometimes he mixes it up and says other things. albeit incomprehensible things mostly. he's said mama a couple of times but that's about it. i haven't been doing the Baby Can Read with him over the past few weeks (mainly since i've somehow lost DVD #1) but once we get moved in to our new apartment i plan to start doing it again everyday.

hmm... what else? he won't clap, but he likes to slap things and he finally splashes in the tub. it makes for a good ole time and a soaking wet mommy. he also likes to throw things down. he will climb up on the side of the tub to get his toys and toss them one by one into the bathwater. when he's full at mealtimes he leans over the side of his highchair and drops bits of food on the floor or else feeds it to belle. he especially likes to do this with cheese because of his dislike for the stuff. what a funny boy.

and that's about all i can muster right now. at least it ended up being longer than i thought it would!

come out, come out, wherever you are.

this will probably be short. i see it's been over two weeks since my last post and it makes me so sad! i was doing so well at documenting jude's day to day... but then the last few weeks of school came out of nowhere. suddenly i have an assignment due nearly everyday. don't get me wrong... i am SOOOOOOO ridiculously glad for the end of this semester. but i do not like how little time i've been able to spend playing with jude. not to mention the wonderful weather has got me feeling a little caged in. i am almost thankful for the grey days we've seen at the beginning of this week. but i feel oh so sorry for baby jude. all he wants to do is play. and he wants to play with ME. i'll listen longingly to him and my mom downstairs playing and when she brings him upstairs to me to nurse he literally jumps up and down on her hip and lunges at me giggling wildly. i know he misses mommy. mommy misses him, too. but thankfully i only have about two weeks left of school. by the end of next week i think i will be done with all but maybe one or two finals. YAY!

and then we will be busy bees moving. yes, moving! after a long and tiresome search we have found the PERFECT apartment. the original plan was to move into a 3-4BR house with my cousin tiffany and her bf justin (they are expecting on aug 7th!)... well, after much consideration on both parts we kind of realized that it wouldn't work. zach and i need to be close to UK and downtown and they need to be close to the interstate. opposite ends of lexington. so we did some separate searching and they decided on berea (to be close to family, which when you have a new baby is totally understandable) and we simultaneously stumbled on our perfect, new downtown home. it definitely seems like a Divine gift. i mean, this place literally fell into our laps. here we are wasting oodles of gas driving around town day after day, searching every available website, calling and calling and calling... ... ... and TA DA! we find this place by way of none of the above. oh, irony. so, my old roommate/best friend and his girlfriend just moved into this swanky downtown apartment that zach and i were suuuper jealous of. i mean, this place is HUGE. it's an entire upstairs of an old house plus a full attic. and the house/everything is in perfect condition. plus they have this awesome downstairs neighbor, melissa, who does henna and has a 4yr old daughter. out of the blue melissa decides to move in with her boyfriend. and we inherit an absolutely fantabulous apartment. i promise to post pics as soon as we start moving in! so anyway, i may not update for another couple of weeks depending upon how hectic this move is.

and now for jude's updates... not sure what i last posted but jude is now officially cruising all over the place. proficiently! he can squat, stand, squat, pick up a toy, stand, etc... he hasn't fallen in quite some time, either. his babbling has reached new heights as well. ans he understands so much! i can definitely tell that he understands more than he is capable of expressing. his range of emotions gives that away! he now has tantrums (not often... yet) when he doesn't get his way, acts shy and buries his face in my shoulder when he meets new people, laughs in a really humored way when i do something silly, does his best to make ME laugh whenever he can, and a whole variety of things i am forgetting about due to exhaustion. hmm... what else? he can "dunk" his basketball on his toy bball goal. he will hand things to me. for instance, tonight i was emptying the dishwasher and he was handing me spoons and lids. and he loves to pull clothes out of the dryer for me to fold. he is just getting to be so much fun! he is opening cabinets and drawers, trying to reach doorknobs, and pretty much standing against anything he can in order to attempt to reach out-of-the-way things. i emptied the bottom two shelves of my bookcase only for him to start pulling things down from the third. at least he's started taking three hour naps from 10ish-1ish so we both get some rest.

and now apparently my pecking on the keyboard has woken up my tiny bed fellow. goodnight, all.

kamut: pharaoh's grain.

yep, you read correctly. and yesterday jude tasted the food of ancient kings. lol, ok not so much. but kamut is rumored to have been a grain of those ancient egyptians. either way, it's tremendously tasty as well protein-packed. it's higher fatty acid content makes it a wonderful high-energy food and it is full of b vitamins, vitamin e, zinc, etc. it's considered an extra-special wonder grain since it has never been genetically modified (as wheat and such have). plus i'm sure you all know by now that i am a sucker for introducing exotic foods to my bouncing baby boy. it's all about variety.







and even though jude's new favorite mealtime activity is feeding himself cheerios (well, organic morning o's) he stopped to taste the kamut. and he seemed to like it. he ate it all up, anyway. :)

after the morning rain shower and our afternoon nap, we spent the rest of today outside (intermittently, so as not to get sunburned of course) and it was gorgeous!

inspire.

maybe it's because this weekend is easter... maybe it's because the Lord really, really got to me when i first found him... maybe it's because it all really IS the truth... or maybe it's some other reason on my long list... but tonight i find myself thinking of how i haven't given the Divine One the glory he deserves for blessing me with the sweetest little child i've ever laid eyes on. i realize i am so terrified of walking with Jesus because i don't want to be like nearly everyone else i know who does. i don't want jude growing up thinking that if he doesn't go to church or confess certain things that he is going to hell. i want him to feel the freedom to find his own way. i do want him to know that the bible is full of sweet, loving words of comfort and inspiration. but i want him to believe in what it is that speaks to HIM. i don't want him to grow up in one church all of his life... not that there is anything wrong with that... but i just want him to be an accepting person. more than anything else, i just want him to know Love. i just want him to figure it out on his own terms.

so, with that said, i will say now that i have really and truly found Love. i have seen it in many forms and fashions, felt it at both the most and the least opportune moments, and heard it's voice through many lips. sometimes it's apparent at a sidelong glance, other times i've had to delve deep within to draw it out, but it's always there. i find the Divine in an astonishingly green blade of spring grass, in the laugh of my son, and in the least likely of miniscule places. we breathe it in our air and feel it in the warmth of the sun. what we name it is up to us. i don't look down on anyone for how they choose to express it; i haven't that right. and neither do you. we should all just learn to love and appreciate that we are able to do so.

some force out there is holier than us... the details are as unique as each person who figures that out.




and now for some pictures of the past week...









































so, we have a second word... maybe... "mama"!!! i say maybe because the first time he has successfully said it was tonight and we were in the dark trying to go to sleep so i'm not sure if he was saying it to me or just babbling. "up" and "mama"... excellent first words. he says "up" ALL THE TIME now. unless he's in a strange environment of course. but otherwise everything has been "up" all week.

oh and he's tried a few more things this week. graham bunnies and organic apple juice. i introduced them on the same day because i figured since he's already had apples that he couldn't be allergic to an organic form of their juice. plus i needed something to soak the graham crackers in to soften them. he liked them ok. he HATED the apple juice. i even tasted it thinking it might be sour due to lack of added sugar, but no, it tastes just like mott's to me. he made a terrible face everytime he took a sip and eventually stopped sipping altogether. i'm going to keep trying though. and then later in the week i gave him some organic oat "o's." cheerios, basically. but because i haven't given him wheat yet i decided to try the ones made of oats. he LOVES these. i break them in half and scatter them on his high chair tray and he goes to town. he's almost got the pincher grasp down now. today at the park he even pinchered some mango and pear bits. he's started chewing, too. yay! i'm so happy to experiment more with finger foods! and even happier that he can finally really pick them up and feed himself now.

in other news, he's still sleeping like a newborn... waking up every few hours for food and comfort. but it's ok. i just keep telling myself it's a phase. he just likes to know that i'm there, which is why he protests the crib. who wouldn't want to sleep snuggled up to their mommy with their fingers intertwined in her hair? i mean, really. that's security. and when i'm not thinking of how exhausted i am, it's a pretty gratifying feeling.

well, what else? ... we've been playing outside like everyday this week! the weather's been gorgeous! and he really REALLY likes being outside. he gets all excited and bounces on my hip when we walk out the door. sweet thing.

that's about all for now. i'm pretty sure there are other things that have made me say "wow" this week, but i need sleep.

baby can read.

i have been so inspired by jude's desire to learn! since we got "your baby can read" in the mail, i have been doing flashcards with him and today, in the car, he watched the accompanying dvd for the first time. he was absolutely mesmerized. and not the vegged-out kind of mesmerization, but the kind where you can tell his little gears are totally turning. his eyes follow relentlessly as the little arrow scrolls from left to right beneath each word, and he smiles in wonder as they show the picture/video clip associated with the word. since yesterday he has learned to not only point to the eyes on his crab toys but to the eyes on almost any animal toy. tonight, i got him to raise him arms by exclaiming "arms up!" (which was on the video). a baby's capacity for learning is simply incredible. my friend christine (and mommy to holden isaac, 2 months) is already doing both an english AND a spanish version of the "head, shoulders, knees, & toes" song. and holden already pays attention. i wish i would have realized sooner how much they absorb at that age!
in addition to a growing understanding, jude is beginning to really imitate language. he says, very clearly, "up" in regards to the light switch when we play the up/down game with it. moreover, tonight he actually tried to mimic me saying "arms up." he's getting pretty impressive at imitating sounds. my mom pointed out today that when she vacuums (even with the dust buster) he hums. and then today while visiting zach's cousins, after i introduced him to brandt, making sure to say his name slowly and clearly as well as pointing at him, jude reached out his arm and spoke (with his best effort) something quite similar. it's just so crazy how quickly this happens. and i am trying to do more everyday to encourage him.
i'm determined to start baby sign language this week, also. i've been telling myself i would for a couple of months now, but like i said, now i'm really inspired! and, don't mistake my intentions in any of this, by the way. i am not doing this to have the "smartest" baby or in order to brag. i am doing this for his stimulation and benefit (though i might brag a bit, lol). and the more articles i read, the more impressed i am by the benefits. babies actually enjoy learning at this stage in their life, so why not take full advantage of that?

and now for a little bit of today...





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