ten whole hours.

ten whole hours... that's how long mr.jude slept twice in a row this past week! it was simultaneously amazing and terrifying. waking up at five in the morning and realizing jude hasn't stirred: scary. my mind immediately jumps to worst possible scenario; sometime in my deep slumber my baby has stopped breathing and is now going to be blue and cold. morbid, i know. but this is part of my motherhood psychosis. in reality, however, my baby is sleeping soundly, probably dreaming of a giant breast with endlessly flowing milk. so i relax, and try to go back to sleep but now wake up every thirty minutes to make sure he is still ok. yeah, i'm usually this crazy, don't worry. but on the bright side, my son is trying to learn to sleep through the night. too bad his version of sleeping through the night is 7:30pm-4:30am. but it's alright, we will sync our schedules sometime, hopefully before his tenth birthday...

and he still hasn't rolled over anymore. but that's ok, too. i read a few articles and some babies just don't feel a need to. generally ones that are held a lot. so this past week we have had an increased amount of tummy time, which usually ends when he buries his face repeatedly into the blanket and tries to nurse it. what can i say? i'm raising a healthy eater! haha. i actually stepped on the scale with him and it said he is nearly twenty pounds, but we will see the accuracy of that when we go for his four month check-up in a couple of weeks. all i know is that he has almost completely outgrown all of his 3-6month clothes and is fitting 6-12months quite comfortably.

i was actually able to put him in his bear suit a few times lately, which is very cute. it's supposed to be sized 12 months but it came from mini-boden which is a british company and their clothes all seem a little smaller than the GAP or Old Navy. he's also ooutgrown most of his shoes, which is sad because he didn't get to wear a lot of them. he has some fat little feets! mom and kevin just got back from TN and brought him some merill's and a pair of nike's. adorable. he even worse his new balances the other day and they are a size 2.

still, for being as big as he is, i think he is extremely well-proportioned. his head isn't too big or too small and everything seems pretty symmetrical to me. he's quite lovely in photographs. :)

it's so weird how much having a child of your own changes your long-standing views on the silliest things. we all said we wouldn't turn into our parents, but i have found it's impossible. even helping raise siblings or younger cousins, or spending a lot of time with the babies of close friends doesn't prepare you for the psychotic break you undergo when it's your very own heart beating out there in front of you. you simply want everything to be perfect. all the time. and you quickly learn how impossible that also is, but it sure doesn't keep you from trying. i said at least a million times that i wouldn't be one of those germaphobe mommies chasing my kids around with antibacterial wipes, but sure enough... that will probably be me. i won't even put my fingers in his mouth to feel for teeth for fear that something under my nails will make him sick. but i don't really consider that too outlandish. i mean, he is only four months old... his immune system just isn't ready for the creepy crawlies we accumulate on our person everyday from the outside world. i'll wait until he is old enough to pick up the germs for himself.

older generations may not understand my feelings on the subject of germs, but let's face it, our world is just a little dirtier than it was 20 or 40 years ago. sorry, nanny! haha. and for all those trying to convince me that they fed their kids table scraps from the time they were infants... our table scraps are now over-processed, hormone-injected, pesticide sprayed, and preservative filled garbage. and jude is not having any part of it. little girls are hitting puberty younger and younger because of the hormones now found in meats and cow's milk. it's frightening. my OB/GYN (whom i look up to very, very much for her wonderful, although a little abstract, parenting skills) recommended breastfeeding for a year and beyond as the major source of nutrients. she says their digestive tracts aren't able to handle much else until at least about 6 months of age and then they don't need that much supplementation. she uses her food processor to puree organic fruits and veggies for her daughter and only resorts to the canned variety when on the go. and i feel very strongly about sticking to her advice.

even if everyone can't agree with me, that's alright. i don't look down on anyone else for the decisions they make for their kids. jude is mine and zachary's, and only ours. no one has the right to make decisions for him except us, no matter their intentions. i have educated myself to the best of my abilities about anything i come across dealing with babies, and this falls next to my own experiences and intuition about what is right for my son. and i am satisfied and happy with those decisions.

and as far as development goes, he's stll chugging right along with the average, nothing too exceptional or too delayed. he's still very vocal and loves to be talked to, but i had to completely cut him off of the tv because he was becoming too interested in it and not interacting. the American Association of Pediatrics recommends no television for children under the age of two and i have to say i agree. he just completely becomes a vegetable when he spots the television screen. at first i thought, well that should be ok because his little brain is studying the lights and sounds, but after doing a lot of research i found that it can have harmful effects instead. it can contribute to ADD/ADHD because of the overstimulation it causes with the constant changing sounds and lights and can create developmental delays in social skills because they are focusing all of their attention on an inanimate object instead of spending time socializing with adults (which teaches them the beginnings of language and conversation at this very critical age). what's more, they are spending less time exploring their surroundings and handling objects, which is supremely important in their understanding of the world around them. so, i'm convinced. no tv for jude. at least not now. maybe we will introduce some educational videos when he can actually understand a little bit, but for now it's the all mommy and daddy network.

reminiscing.

jude may not even be four months old yet, but i still get teary-eyed when looking back at pictures of his first few weeks. i'm sitting and watching a friend's video of his new daughter and it makes me desperately miss that fragile little boy i had three months ago. and i know i've said i'm glad for him to be out of that incredibly breakable stage, and i am, but i can't help but miss the days he fit securely in the center of my chest, near my heart, unable to roll off on his own. we still sleep in the bed we put up in his bedroom, and given it is a full-size bed and not a queen, but there is increasingly less room for the three of us when i bring jude into the bed. and i long for those simple days when slept most of the time, sometimes, when i'm utterly exhausted. i'm so glad now to interact with him, but he was just so sweet laying there with his eyes closed all the time! his constant need to be up and moving isn't a hindrance or an annoyance, it just reminds me that he needs me less and less. perhaps that is what keeps me so focused on breastfeeding and therefore successful in continuing with it. that is our time, just mommy and jude. he is really hard to share! and so many people want to spend time with him. lately that has been on my mind a lot. i worry about what our families think about the time he is available to them. and it crushes me with an unbearable weight. one on hand, i feel the overwhelming desire to please everyone. and on the other hand i feel the days i have at home with him at this age slipping through my fingers quicker than sand. and it feels that the more time i spend with him, the more time i need. i'm not ready to be away from him for even a night, i know this. and i hate when he is out of my sight. i worry about all the crazy little things that could happen, or especially the things that i am missing. i'm terrified that someone will have him in the other room away from me and he will finally laugh out loud and i won't see it. i am struggling everyday to hold myself together; to envision the days he will run to me yelling "mommy!" and hug me, while clinging to the memories we are making right now. i think this first year is so important, with so many "firsts" and i refuse to miss out on any of them. i already kick myself for not taking more live video these first few months. but nonetheless, i suppose it's hard to get everything perfect the first time, not knowing what to expect so i can't be too hard on myself.

as for what is going on in jude's world... well, firstly he slept 8 glorious hours last night. i woke up at 6 thinking for sure he had stopped breathing sometime during the night, but alas, he was sleeping ever so soundly. he had actually gone to sleep around 9:30 and then woke up being carried upstairs and so i nursed him back to sleep at 11:30 and he slept through until 7:30. needless to say, mommy felt somewhat refreshed. he's been taking about 3 short naps and one long nap everyday. 3-6pm is usually when he takes his long naps, but it sometimes varies. in all honesty, his napping times and frequency makes it hard to have company or go visit anyone. i hate disturbing him worse than almost anything because, like clockwork, if he doesn't get his naps out he is grumpy and won't sleep well at all that night. but we did find a new way of getting this fussy boy to sleep. while we were walking around toys r us, mom was carrying him in a cradle hold but facing out and he went to sleep without us even noticing. and sleep is becoming more important to me because especially since this cold weather has set in i have been feeling persistently drowsy and exhausted. and that's no good for anyone... also, mom got jude an exersaucer. it's amazing and he adores it. mostly because he likes to stand up or sit like a big boy. this thing is like a stationary walker with toys all around it for him to explore. he's not toy crazy or anything yet, but he likes to touch, mouth, and listen. and drool all over it! he's still drooling pretty consistently, especially if there is food cooking, but i haven't seen any teeth yet and i refuse to put my fingers in his mouth because of germs, like i said before. especially with all these yucky versions of the flu spreading like wildfire. i'm actually debating on a flu shot for myself but not quite convinced.

anyway, i hear him waking up and i'm going to collect him before he wakes his dad, who worked 24 hours this weekend. :)

how time flies when you're having fun!

wow! so it has been over two weeks since my last post! where did those days go?! i remember after posting my last update i was already wanting to post again like the next day but i kept telling myself "no, wait until there is a real milestone!" well, those milestones came and went and i totally lapsed in posting about them so now i don't know on which days they occurred! sad, i know...

but, on the bright side, those milestones HAVE occurred and are being perfected with each passing day. so, in the past two weeks...

jude has finally had his "ah-ha" moment with his hands. it was actually less than a week after i last wrote when his hand passed in front of his face and he kind of looked in the direction it went and since then every time one of them is in front of his face he just stares and stares... and then puts it in his mouth. haha. the hand to eye to mouth, and eye to hand to mouth are his favorite new series of development. sometimes his touch reflex to grab then results in him unknowingly flailing a soft toy or rattle around until he spots it and then directs it to his mouth for tasting. other times he watches, for instance, his toys dangling from his carseat, reaches toward them until he at last gets a good grip on one, and then proceeds to bring it toward his mouth. i read an article about whether or not to discourage babies/toddlers from taste-testing everything and believe it or not, it is actually a good learning tool for them to mouth everything. well, obviously not EVERYTHING, but things you can monitor and clean. like their toys, blankets, clothes, etc. they aren't just tasting, they are using their tongue and mouth as an exploratory tool like their fingers. which jude also loves to keep near his mouth at all times. one of my biggest peeves, because of this, is people who grab his hands without first santizing their own and especially people who kiss his hands or allow him to put his hands in/around their mouths. it makes me wonder if people are unaware of how dirty the human mouth is! once he is a bit older, it won't be so much of a worry but right now he is busily developing a fragile immune system and simply doesn't need the extra germs and bacteria. and for heaven's sake, it is flu season!!!

grumbling aside, i am happy to say that in the past two weeks, jude's first cold is not on the list of milestones. i attribute his pretty excellent immunity thusfar to breastfeeding and avoiding contact with too many people and public places due to the H1N1 catastrophy. the very last thing i want for him is to get sick. i am not exactly the horrible germaphone i was during his first 8 weeks, but i am still a proud believer in handwashing and germ-x. so, if you want to hold or play with my baby, use it! you can never be too careful.

oh, and jude has finally rolled over. i was really starting to get worried about this since he doesn't get much time to himself between me, my mom, and zach everyday, but he has once again proved his proficiency. just yesterday i laid him on his tummy on a playmat and he immediately rolled over to his back like he had been doing it for years. when i rolled him back over, he spit up, so i abandoned the attempt for an extended practice session. zach saw him roll over a few weeks ago, but this was the first time on a completely flat surface that he accomplished it. exciting.

we still don't have an out loud chuckle or real giggle, although he does squeal with delight and make "ha" sounds when he thinks something is funny or exciting. he is still very verbal, and getting moreso each day. tummy time is one of his favorite times for squealing and making excited sounds, and the morning and nighttime are his favorite times for conversations. he spends a lot of time quietly observing his surroundings, and attempting to mimick sounds i make to him. music and loud sounds such as rattling now quiet him and interest him. which helps if he gets restless in the car. he still prefers the simpler baby songs to complex music, and because of this he really seems to like the early Beatles' songs. and tv... oh gosh. already. i keep reassuring myself that it is only because of the flashing lights (another favorite of jude's) and differing sounds, but he will actually sit and watch the tv as if in a trance. i sat him up next to his boppy on the couch and he watched Madagascar 2 for about 10 minutes. i have been trying to limit how much exposure he has to the tv, but right now i must say it's pretty cute. :)

he is determined to grow up so fast! now that his head is almost completely steady when he is upright he thinks it is time to sit up. when laid on his back, he does little crunches in attempt to bring himself to a sitting position, and when he is propped up at an angle, with a little help from me of course, he can pull himself upright. he loves to sit like a big boy and i guess explore his world from a new point of view. it's amazing.

along with new views of exploration, it appears as though his eyesight is getting better and more extensive. for a couple of weeks he has been really interested in bright colors and no longer just black and white or contrasting ones. he seems to prefer red right now and like i mentioned earlier he really digs flashing lights of any color. the brighter, the better now. and he can see small things now, and studies them very hard. he is also noticing my mom's dog when she walks past his line of sight.

and speaking of all this visual exploration, as i said it is so neat the way it ties into his sense of touch. what he sees he now wants to touch or hold. and he is improving his motor skills each day. at first, it was more of a shaky movement in the direction of whatever he had spotted, but his hands are getting more steady and his aim more accurate. i can't wait until he figures out how to purposefully make sounds with his toys.

above all else, however, he still prefers faces to toys. he notices the camera when i take a picture now but once he realizes my face is behind it, he forgets about it and concentrates on me. he is really grinning so much, and sometimes when he just looks up and smiles at me for no reason at all, it still makes me want to cry.

just a quickie to see if i've still got it.

i fear most
the pen to the paper
hurried for tides washing away ink
to depth known or unknown
it's hard to care
for more than the moment
(does it truly exist?)
worlds transmuted transatlantic
him to him
my sorrow increasing in measure
with my smiles
stretching farther than the east indian trade routes
into a hell i've built
for you
for me
to become heaven in routine
and out of the ordinary
laced in curtains curtailing
your every move
i care not
yet only so much
you are everything, you have become
one half
of the center of my universe
my sun.
our son.
the reason.

iron man.

apparently i'm raising a future body-builder. :)

weighing in at nearly fifteen pounds at eight weeks old earned an exclamation of "breastfeeding seems to be working out for him!" from the nurse as we laid him on those cold little baby scales. and then with the measuring tape... 24 inches! it really hit me how big he was when i saw my grandmother holding him the other day. she looked even smaller in stature next to my big boy. and the thing is, he isn't all that chubby. just "solid" as my papaw put it. we actually have a hard time sizing him in clothes because everything for babies seems to be square where he is more rectangular. the past couple of weeks he has transitioned from size 0-3M to 3-6M. long and lean, that's my baby jude. and strong. he can already sit pretty well in his bumbo chair, with only the occasional head nodding and bobbing. and on his tummy he can push himself up until his arms are completely straight and his head is facing forward. and he's been doing that for a couple of weeks now. this morning i was holding him under the arms and letting his feet hit the floor and he was jumping off of the ground. it almost makes me sad to know he is growing so quickly. as terrified as i was at the time, i am starting to miss those really fragile first weeks. now when he eats, he is sitting in my lap instead of me holding him in my arms. sigh...

and as of today he is officially in size 2 diapers. i've been putting it off for a week because i didn't want to admit that he was really getting that big, but after being peed on while nursing a couple of times and nearly ruining about five outfits with poop that just wouldn't stay put, i have decided it's time. double sigh...

the only reassuring thing about his getting older are his responsive little smiles and ever-growing curiosity and attentiveness. and i say it every night while i am wrestling him to sleep, but he is such a cancer! emotional to the core. moody. homebody. momma's boy. empathetic. comfort-seeker. etc... it may sound like a bad combination, but in reality he is one of the sweetest and funniest little babies i have ever seen. he won't fall asleep unless we are cuddling or nursing, and is definitely a soothe-sucker. me, a bottle, or a pacifier (though he prefers momma) and his eyes shift to out of focus and close quicker than you can blink. anything less and he'll force himself to stay awake until the cows come home.

he's starting to get distracted at bedtime and when he eats by anything bright, moving, or any contrasting colors. it makes it increasingly hard to nurse him on a schedule because it may take 45 minutes for him to eat. he'll nurse awhile, then unlatch himself and stare at the fan, nurse, smile at the wall, and so on. it's terribly cute though. just like the thumb-sucking. as zachary says, this little boy has me wrapped around his littlest finger so he can continue to do whatever it is he is doing with his hands. i keep telling zach that he doesn't understand the meaning of manipulation and cause/effect for quite a few more months, but there is no convincing him, and sometimes i'm not quite convinced myself.

all i know is that i'm falling harder with the passing of each day.

ten incredible weeks.

today marks ten whole weeks of life for our little henry jude. being so accustomed to counting life in weeks since pregnancy, i find it hard to name his age in months. particularly since the way most people count their children's age is by the actual day the child was born. for instance, jude would have been considered two months old on september 7th, whereas he was actually 8 weeks old on september 1st. i'm so torn as to how best to describe his age. oh well, ten weeks works for now.

he is growing so fast; i simply cannot stress that enough. today for the first time he has sucked his thumb. he's been gnawing on those fists for about three weeks now and found his thumb about three days ago, but it was this evening when he finally realized how to get it into his mouth and use it as a pacifier substitute. i was amazed, although slightly disappointed that he has decided to become a thumb-sucker. it's extremely cute but orthodontically a nightmare.

i've noticed him becoming more aware of his hands, though he isn't really using them purposefully yet except to chew on and to rub his eyes. this past week he has started to rub his eyes when he gets tired, which i find to be really sweet. it's been so exciting to watch him do this, as it wasn't that long ago that he was only taking notice of his hands if one of them happened to get close enough to his mouth with all the flailing about he was doing. i have yet to see an "ah ha" moment where he realizes that those things swinging around above his face are under his control, but i'm waiting patiently. i guess the more things he can do with them, the more he will come to understand the possibilities. he can grab and hold things easily now but it will be fun to see him reach for something. right now, he is starting to grab everything that touches his hands. blankets, rattles, fingers, and my hair.

and every day he becomes more and more vocal. he now imitates sounds i make like "hiii" and "ooooooo" and watches my mouth and facial movements with complete fascination. he raises his eyebrows in a variety of expressions and even scowls. like i've said, he becomes more animated daily.

as far as sleeping habits, things have changed and continue to change from time to time. the first six weeks he slept so much during the day that he woke up every two hours during the night to eat, but as time has gone on he started going about four hours during the night and two to three during the day. he slept eight full hours for the first time a couple of weeks ago and until his vaccinations last tuesday was sleeping six to eight every night. since the vaccinations he has been sleeping about four hours, but i'm hoping that will lengthen again. "bedtime" the first month or so was whenever we went to bed (usually after midnight) just because he was only sleeping for two hours at a time and was doing so all day long. eventually we started to get him into a routine of bathtime between 8-9pm and bedtime between 9:30-10:30pm with a feeding inbetween. nursing is the easiest way to get him to sleep, especially if we are laying down in the bed together. although i've read a lot of dr.sears and his philosophies on co-sleeping it wasn't something i was really comfortable with until after the first month. there were nights during those early weeks that i let him sleep on my chest but i was so afraid of smothering him or accidentally rolling over with him there that i didn't sleep well at all. and even now, i let him sleep until the first time he wakes (now it is around 2-2:30am but it was between 4:30-6am) and then i bring him to bed to nurse and sleep out the duration of the night. i think the important thing is what works for each family and this works for us.

our daily routine is always subject to change, but generally our day starts around 8 or 9am when he wakes up and we talk and play for awhile. if i get up with him then he will stay awake for a little while before needing a nap but if we stay in bed he will sleep with me until 11am or later. it's indescribeably nice to have a baby who lets me sleep in if i want. he has just recently started to get fussy when he is tired. he acts hungry, but most of the time a pacifier and a good patting or rocking will put him right out. i'm in the bad habit of not letting him get himself to sleep, but he is able so hopefully i won't ruin him. after we get up we spend the day either hanging out watching movies, or reading, sometimes cleaning, and most of the time with my mom at her house by late afternoon. his favorite things to do are stare at walls, ceiling fans, and we try to go outside and walk around at least a couple of times every day, which he loves. he is usually nursing every two to three hours but sometimes he cluster-feeds so it's every hour and really wears me out. inbetween active awake time, feedings,and quiet wakeful observation, he naps. naps can be anywhere from 15 minutes to three or more hours. and if he has been allowed a generous number of naps during the day, he almost always sleeps better at night.

this is all i can think to say for now since it's getting so late. until next time!

the first entry.

following in the steps of my favorite motherhood commemorator, i proudly introduce what she calls my "grown-up blog" for the life i'm leading as a first-time mommy! i can definitely say that my experience couldn't have been what it is without her creative inspiration, most importantly following her lead in photography and blogging. thanks to miss kayla nunn, i now have pictures of my growing bump as well as posted thoughts and happenstance of each precious week of my pregnancy. it's been so much fun to read her journals and check out her pics to see a glimpse of what my future what would like!

what's more, once her little story jade joined the world in february, i got to witness (through the miracle of the internet!) what life after bump could be like! it really helped keep my spirits high through those last four, almost five, months to see her little bundle blosoming beautifully as my belly just seemed to bulge bigger and bigger... and now that my bouncing boy has finally made his arrival as well, it's interesting to compare objectively our life experiences as well as continually glimpsing in the direction we are headed as a new family who doesn't necessarily fit the "normal" mold and is proud of it!

so for now i leave you with earlier blogs that i've posted on facebook since the birth of my bouncing baby boy, henry jude...

take a sad song & make it better. (week one!)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 4:38pm

today marks the end of mine & zachary's first week of parenthood. and i can't begin to put into words what this experience has been. astonishing, fantastic, overwhelming, and perfect are just a few terms that i might use.


i assumed that no longer being pregnant would bring a certain relief that i had been praying for over the past few months. the last thing i expected was to miss it. but honestly even the first few hours after jude was born i was already feeling phantom kicks and twists in my belly. and then once i saw how fragile he was all i could think was how much safer he would be back in the womb. but once i held and comforted him, nursing him for the first time, i knew it didn't get any better than that feeling.


immediately after he was born, i remember looking over to where they were cleaning him up and seeing that tiny body and hearing those powerful lungs crying out and just crying with him. it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life. by far. then they put him in my arms and he was so alert, looking for the sound of my voice and blinking rapidly. and i fell in love.


each day since then i have only fallen harder and harder for the angel face that my world now revolves around. all he does is eat and sleep and i couldn't find anything more interesting to do than simply sit and stare if i tried. and when those little eyes are open and he is awake for those short periods of time, oh my. my my my. i long to know what he is thinking about so much it is almost painful.


and he grows so quickly. today was his first visit to the pediatrician and he now weighs 8 pounds and 4 ounces and is 22 inches long. he was born at 8 pounds and dropped to 7pounds and 11 ounces before we left the hospital (which is totally normal) and so he has gained a pretty significant amount. the doctor, who just so happened to be the first doctor to see me after i was born which was a neat coincidence, said he was a "keeper". :) perfectly healthy and fine.


there is so much more to say but for now i would much rather be spending time with my son. <3



nearly six weeks & how time flies.

Saturday, August 15, 2009 at 11:48pm

i couldn't lie to you and say it's been easy. it's a journey, as is all else in life. becoming one half of this partnership called parenthood, becoming one whole mother to one tiny infant, and trying to be myself all at the same time.


my recovery from childbirth has been a long one. aside from the physical recovery, which included perpetual exhaustion due to mild anemia, it's been a tough road emtionally and mentally. i'd heard stories of postpartum depression and never truly understood until i dealt with its consequences. hormones are raging and dropping catastrophically and there's little anyone can do to try and feel balanced. i cried, i felt anger, i experienced the sensation of being totally lost and alone, became overwhelmed, battled loss of apetite, and dealt with more emotions than ever in my life. but i feel now as though i have conquered that stage in all of this. i feel healthy and in control, even comfortable with all of my new responsibilities.


perhaps my favorite part of motherhood is the rewarding feeling of having mastered breastfeeding. it is much more of a challenge than you might think. suffering through the nasty stages of engorgement and soreness, being determined not to stress over whether or not you are producing enough milk for your baby's growth and development... these situations brought me to tears. but finally jude and i surpassed the obstacles and now get to spend quality time together doing something only we can share. the very thought that i alone can provide the most beneficial nutrition for my son is overwhelmingly amazing. the Lord has truly designed this perfectly, and i am most blessed.


also, after agonizing and much prayer and deliberation, i've decided to stay home with jude instead of returning to work. i hope my boss and my wonderfully dear co-workers will understand that although i need the money, i feel like i've made the best decision for my baby. as amazing as my mother is, and not diminishing what a help she has been to me for the past month and a half, i don't want her to have to raise my son. i would be working as much as zachary and neither of us would be home with jude until 6pm each weekday. after the birth of your child, you realize how many "firsts" they experience daily. to miss out on any of these seemingly miniscule events would be devastating to me. and though it is tough for me to stay closed up in our house with the baby all the time, i know how worth it all this time spent will be in the end.


in short, the bond that jude and i share is unlike anything. i have fallen more in love with him as each second passes by. and this love that i have for him has made me love zachary more deeply as well. the fact that we, as a team, have done this and are doing this is utterly astounding. he is the best partner i could ask for, the best father, and my best friend. watching his interactions with jude makes my heart skip a beat. jude loves his daddy so much and i couldn't be any more thankful for such a bond between those two, and the bond that the three of us share together because of it. like i said so many weeks ago, jude truly has sprung up from a love between two people that was so great the only expression left was the creation of new life. i look at our son and what i see is a love made eternal in the form of a soul. our two hearts are now lying there, intertwined for a lifetime that will reach beyond ours...



two months of life.

Saturday, August 29, 2009 at 11:45pm

what a loaded title for this note. two months of life for my beautiful baby boy. two months of life for his father and i. i never lived until i lived every day with my son. all those experiences you think are making life worth it are nothing compared to the absolute elation and completion you feel when you have a child. he is someone to share my world with and someone i can share with the world. my first great contribution.


i won't go on and on about the love i have for jude this time. instead, i will tell you a little about the changes we have been going through. i look back at pictures of his birth and the subsequent couple of months and the change is astounding. tonight i looked back at the pictures from the hospital and luckily when uploaded onto the computer they have date and time stamps. we have pictures of his first breath at 11:28 and his first minute at 11:29. i can't imagine what it must have felt like to be so green, so new. he had yet to really experience anything and at the same time had just had the biggest experience of his life. for nine long months he was swimming around in a warm fluid with only muffled sounds and my heartbeat for company, until he was forcefully expelled from that home into a much, much larger one. something my mother-in-law said will always stick with me: "here he was in this strange, loud place not sure about anything and when he heard your and zach's voices, the look on his face was 'oh ok, ok... i know those voices, and if they are here too then this place can't be that bad'. it warms my heart to tears. can you imagine something so foreign as an entire world shift? i was so captured by the thought of everything being so new to him that i spent the next several weeks taking more than a thousand pictures to record every new experience he had... first time he heard the song "hey jude", first time he rode in the car, first trip to nana's, etc... it is so unbelievable that i was there to witness someone's first time being outside in the sunshine. and the way he reacs to all these new experiences has changed so dramatically already. every day he becomes more interested in his world and learns to express himself in a manner that we can understand. for the past three weeks, he has been learning to smile. possibly my favorite milestone so far! he really enjoys his morning feedings when the sun has come up and we talk to and smile at each other for awhile before he falls back to sleep. he gets more interactive all the time. he is finally past the eat, sleep, poop stage and actually gets bored if he stays in one place for too long. he is very vocal about what he wants. he smiles in response to things that please him, too. for instance, he loves the picture frames hanging on the wall behind our couch and smiles when he glances up and notices them. he really likes the taste of his mylicon gas drops, which are the only other things he has tasted besides breastmilk and formula. and he isn't picky when it comes to a bottle. i prefer him to have breastmilk, but he has had about four bottles of formula and drains them like a champ. something really fun was taking him swimming for the first time on his daddy's birthday. we finally shed the swim trunks and diaper and let just let him be and he kicked and wiggled his heart out. he is very relaxed by water of any sort, which is fitting i suppose since he is a water sign astrologically. bathtime has gone from an unfortunately necessary experience for him to his favorite part of every day. i guess the 6 extra pounds of body fat help with not getting so cold because he has also stopped crying during clothing and diaper changes. another change has been his skin and hair. at around 3 weeks old he got the red rash that a lot of babies get and started getting bad heat rashes and that has finally cleared up for the most part and his skin doesn't seem to be as sensitive. around the same time he started to lose that pretty strawberry blonde hair he was born with and it is now growing back as what seems to be dark blonde. his eyes, too, have changed, going from dark blue to dark grey. it has been so strange to watch his little face bloom before my eyes. his cheeks are rounder, his eyes brighter and more knowing, and his entire demeanor more brilliant. i cannot wait for the first laugh, the first time he says 'mommy', and the first steps he takes. until then, i will be poised and ready with my camera so as not to miss a single second. :)

7/7/09 11:30pm

two minutes of life.




8/26/09 10:51am

seventy-one thousand, two hundred and forty-three minutes of life.