some of my favorites.

some poetry i wrote in 2008. oh, where have the time [and my mind] gone?



crucifictitious cruxes. 

feet shuffling
and here we come!
marching like good soldiers,
to the beat
of your nails on tabletops 
with our uniformed
heads and toes
brandished by
our iron-on crucifixes
and morbid curiosities,
intermingling with 
rosewood karmic beads
dangling mindfully down
our breastplates. 
we have come!
so that they may find rest
in death and breath, alike
clouded lens call for
weepy handkerchiefs
and ants' armies,
one by one,
stepping on
stones brought down
from babylon's skyscrapers,
to reach higher mind
constructed of readied ashes
free-falling from pillared incense 
smelling sweet like india
and attracting us all. 



oh sweet kind love, patience but with fits of passion. 

sweet, kind love
harboring my heart
rocking gently in the eaves
with patience hundredfold
painting a portrait
in crimsons and golds
lacing ribbons
through ribcages
tightening our souls
with tugs of strings
strung through my skeleton 
overlaid with sugar netting
nesting in our mind
so docile 
in your way
filling empty spaces
with violent hints of violet
royal sashing
eyelids shut tight
involuntary trusting
as was meant 
for lovers of such caliber
our sweet, sweet circled love
orbiting in atmospheres
drenched in familiarity
of uncharted territory
dealt in hands honest
from a hard day's night
tuning strings
with imaginary fingers
hearing reverberations
with blinking curiosity
those notes you know
by heart
and breathe
by lungs
to speak of how
it was you and i
at the dawn of time
blowing smoke rings
into black holes
created by crashing
into all that glitters is gold
and all that will be
will soon be in me
and all that is come
will soon come to three. 



anti-mercurial matters. 

words finally failed me
having depleted descriptive resources
when it comes overflowing 
from my lips
how much i love you
or what i absolutely feel
it is far from diminishing
instead ever-increasing momentarily
surpassing the english language
inspiring me to learn a new tongue
and speak sweet exotic murmurs. 



eons of adventure. 

thoughts drift to climbing
cliffs' faces with bared hands clenching tight, knuckles white
as though we've grabbed at ghosts 
and maybe we have in the spirited outdoors
stretching climatic history over miles and millenia
christening old traditions with ropes of technicolor
and clips with no rust
i commence my ascent, reaching for chains that bind
my body to this rock 
aged, yet with built strength from decades of withstanding
forces both natural and not
never forgetting the ones who pierced and bolted
those that came before but here i am today 
clinging and clutching building a strength of my own
in enduring endearing pain carrying pleasure 
like buckets of water over my shoulders weighing me down 
just enough for the challenge, stopping to disect route
analytically picking holds best for gripping
no chance of slipping though i know i won't fall
still determined to stretch legs and stand on my own 
reminders of life and inherent needs for control
independing on others, i do this alone with my mind
reasonably reassured that you're watching my every reach
and pull, climbing stairs to the astral sky
blinding enlightenment awaiting and peace in the making 
inhaled breath of filled smoky lungs
calming exhale is meditation 
i go for the next at increased pace instinctively running rough hands
across smooth stone, eyes closed and i've found the fit
fingers rigidly respectful keeping close to the wall
empathizing with blinded men reading faces, seeing in mind's eyes
is how i climb finding footholds, rubber soles of shoes on toes squeezed
now i swing and play
descending deciding only to rise again
feeling fearlessly for new paths less worn
the abstract like painting a perfect portrait of nothing
musing of ease far too soon as the ache seeps up arm's length
radiating around radius and ulna alike
you take it in strides to allow rest for fretting forearms
two seconds and i am off again on a tangent toward the tops of trees
feet protesting at heights undefined and i find myself at the end of my rope
reflectively dazed and lungs crashing
systematic systolic pumps blood to nervous branches shaking
rock hard overexertion and in that moment i see self-worthy science
when the heat in your voice ringing upward approval
melts me into black pupils' reflection 
and it appears i am the man in the moon. 



fancied philosophical farmers. 

beads dangle from backward mirrors 
smoke swiring in one ear and out the other
curling up and nesting with nephrons
weary from over-working witnesses
the single strand of tiger's eye
protects us from ourselves and killers
eager to aim shotguns at our dreams
fearing they have overpopulated fields
thus becoming every man's for himself
uprooting father's children too soon
or not soon enough for prodigal persistence
pushing plows with blistered palms
secretly studying philosophy by candlelight
to discover truths in lifetime lies
outright warnings of books burning
bearing burdens meant for tarnished souls
saying deliverance is upon us: shed a single tear. 

my toothless wonder.

tonight, for the first time, i am going to attempt to let my little co-sleeper try out his crib. not that he hasn't slept in it before, but it's mainly been used for naps and perhaps a couple of nights long ago he spent an hour or so in it before waking and being moved back into my bed. it's honestly not been that important to me where he sleeps as long as night nursing is convenient and easy and doesn't disturb our sleep too much. it's daddy that has finally put his foot down.

we have been staying with my parents for a few months now. most of the time. 99% of the time. of course we unfortunately still pay rent and bills for our own apartment, but since i have been taking classes this arrangement is easier. needless to say, jude spends many a night sleeping with his nana. my step-dad works nights, and they have a king-sized bed, so this works. if i had a king-sized bed, jude would probably never know what a crib is. but i don't. and jude has a rather nice and expensive crib that was collecting dust at our apartment.

on the way home from dinner, i convinced zach to stop at our house to get the crib. he was reluctant but also knew that he wanted sleep tonight. so while he broke the crib down jude and i visited my grandmother across the street. (i would have helped, but those sorts of things usually start fights between us haha, go figure.) once we got home (mom's home) it was bath time for the baby jude and by the time i had him lathered with lotion and in his pjs, the crib was ready.

round one: 9pm. i gave him a bottle (as i do most nights during school semesters) and laid him down on his tummy in the crib. bad idea. he woke up, burped, and puked on his nice, clean sheets. round two 9:10pm. i gave him his paci, held him close and endured about ten minutes of pinching and scratching then laid him down on his back. well, of course he woke up. instead of picking him up, i decided to really try out this big boy thing. i turned on his mobile and walked downstairs. finally after about 15 minutes he fell asleep ON HIS OWN! two hours go by and just as i'm getting some videos uploaded, he wakes screaming. round three 11:30pm. in my mind i curse his teeth as i get up to get him. there are real tears so i pick him up and try rocking him. after a combination of orajel, hyland's teething tablets, tylenol, and an ice cube wrapped in a washcloth, he lets me nurse him to sleep. poor, poor teething boy. i hate teeth, too.

not that he's got any. not that i can even feel a hint of any. he did this with the fussiness and night waking a couple of months ago. we will see if this round bears any results. i sure hope so. i hate the crying. i especially hate not being able to help him comprehend that everything will be alright. it's a hard job being someone's everything and complete source of comfort. i hope the crib will cultivate some independence in my sweet, needy boy. and in my sweet, needy self also. i still haven't even left him away for the night.

well, goodnight. here's to hoping baby jude will pull an all-nighter (in his crib, of course) ;)

lucky number seven.

i wish i had more time to blog, i really do. then my posts would be shorter and easier to swallow. but i guess i am doing this a lot more for myself and my own records rather than for everyone else. sometimes i read
really great blogs with tons of followers and admittedly get a little jealous. but most of the time i barely have time to write my own updates much less worry about attracting readers. maybe this will change. maybe i can actually start using this blog as practice for the freelance writing career i one day hope to have. maybe.

on a brighter note, i just got to read all of story's updates and must say mama kayla is a blogger i envy. her posts are always well-written and timely. and after spending an afternoon with a very busy little story, i have no idea how mama has the time to write such wonderful blogs. story is one on-the-go girl! (i have no idea how i will manage when jude can crawl and is starting to walk.) it seemed as though jude really dug ms.story's vivaciousness though. as always, he played the quiet observer, but he managed to procure his first kiss, and subsequent slap for said kiss. it was probably the cutest thing i've ever seen... :)

now about my seven month old. yes, i said SEVEN. i am in disbelief. with all this mothering i have been doing, it appears as
though the half way mark has come and gone (half way to one year, at least). my sweet baby boy is now an almost talker, almost crawler, bathtub swimmer, everything investigator. he has been making da-da-da sounds as well as other vowel-consenant combinations with increasing enthusiam. he is starting to understand "daddy" and almost always looks to zach and smiles. he knows when i am feeding him and i say "bite bite?" to sit up and open his mouth. he will show you his tongue if you stick yours out at him, and this has actually gone from his tongue barely peeping out of his mouth to a full-fledged gene simmons impression. very funny. he still does the ever-endearing fake cough as a means of communication also. on the whole, he is really becoming quite the little verbal thing. except around strangers or when people are paying too much attention to him. ignore him, however, and he jabbers away.

also, he is getting closer to crawling everday. tonight, for instance, I coerced him forward about six feet on the hardwood floor. of course i had to tempt him with his two favorite things: mommy's textbook and a water bottle. but either way he scooted, pulled, and flopped himself forward until i stopped moving them away from him and let him have them. i was very impressed. he is also sitting up very well on his own. he can catch himself when tipping over and sometimes lunges forward or to the side into crawling position.

aside from these milestones, his eating skills are getting both better and worse. he opens his mouth and swallows perfectly but gets increasingly distracted at mealtimes. i also decided to cut back his portion sizes this past week. he had been showing such interest in solids that i decided to indulge his appetite and took some advice i had read that said to basically feed him as much as he will eat. now i understood this to mean that if he finishes his breakfast/ dinner and still acts hungry to feed him another ounce of fruit or veggies. well, he would eat about 2-3oz of cereal and fruit at breakfast, then about a quarter of a banana in his mesh feeder for lunch, and finally another couple of ounces of cereal mixed with veggies/fruit at dinner. so like 6-8oz a day. it would have been fine but he had stopped nursing as much. i always tried to nurse before a feeding, but it was getting to the point where he wouldn't nurse but would readily eat his solids. so i called the doctor and they advised me to cut him back down on the solids and see
how that helped. now he eats about 2oz of cereal/fruit at breakfast and 2oz of fruits/veggies at dinner. and he nurses like a champ once again.

and now that it is past midnight i am going to cuddle with my
little co-sleeper and get some rest. goodnight.


all you need is love. <3

back to school.

it seems to have taken me a little longer than i thought to finish that last update. so, i'll just write about whatever i can think of...

jude turned six months old on january 7th. his six months check up was the following monday, and he had to get three stinky, dumb shots. i hate his vaccination days. it never bothers him for more than 10 minutes, but i hate it. anyway, he weighed in at a whopping 22lbs & 9oz and measured 29inches. he's been in size 4 diapers for probably a month, as well as 12-18 month clothes. i hope that the growing starts to slow down a bit because he got a whole new wardrobe of clothes in that size for xmas and i'd like him to wear them for awhile. not to mention i realized that with each diaper size increase, there is less in the boxes. i don't suppose he uses as many as when he was say, a size 2, but nonetheless...

and along with his growing body comes a growing brain. he gets more intelligent and understanding everyday. the looks he gives throughout the day are hilarious. some things he can't quite figure out and so he knits his furry little brows together and then looks to me, then back at the source of his perplexion, then back at me, etc. he also holds objects out in front of him and turns them over and over, passing them from hand to hand, in order to get a closer look. he does this with his own hands a lot, which i think is quite funny. and he's finally gotten a little taste of his feet. he got one in his mouth while i was bicycling his legs in the tub and then every now and again during a diaper change.

speaking of which, i am no longer concerned with his constipation. he went about 4 days without a bowel movement and of course i called the doctor who told me it was perfectly normal. they advised me to switch him from rice, so now he is a barley cereal boy. it's a bit more grainy than the rice, but he seems to like it. and now that i've got the recipe down for that as well i don't even have to thin it out with milk. i am having such a great time learning how to cook... even if it is only simple purees and baby cereal. everyone has to start somewhere! i'm becoming so nutrition-savvy as well. i'm trying to step out of the box where his fruits and veggies are concerned. so far i've steamed and pureed green and red pears, mango, avocado, banana, yellow squash, and beets (that i admittedly mistook for parsnips until my hands were purple at the end of the disaster). waiting in the wings are some actual parsnips, carrots, a sweet potato, and an acorn squash. i've tried to be good about the 3 day rule, so all he has actually eaten have been the pears, mango, banana, and squash. i will say i've given him tiny tastes of everything but only hoping that such a small amount wouldn't spark any allergies. either way, he's shown no signs of harm! to help with my endeavor as a baby chef, mom ordered me a baby steamer/pureer and some freezer containers. i have been using my breastmilk freezer bags and if i keep that up it will end up being just as expensive as buying the store bought baby food.

aside from this, things have continued pretty much as they were since my last post. he's still only rocking on his knees, no crawling yet. he can still sit up for quite a long time by himself. he is still cramming everything into his mouth... and this has actually been better since he's started taking a pacifier regularly for the past three or four weeks. it's much easier on my conscience that he isn't licking the floors. i'll deal with the pacifier habit when we reach that point.

being a parent is insane. it's one decision after another. sure, we all turned out alright (in our own warped way) but things have changed so much since our parents raised us and their parents raised them. and medical opinion is constantly changing, so what/who do you trust? everyone has their ideas and everyone has their two cents to add, but it ultimately boils down to you, the parent. if i choose to let my child do this or that how is it going to affect him when he's 5, 15, 50??? so i try not to think about the implications of my decisions too much, and go with my gut or what seems the most right. i guess we just wait and see how it all turns out...

jabberwocky.

so it seems that just over two months ago i entitled a blog "chatterbox." what was i thinking? obviously i am a first time mom, because here i sit just eight short weeks later... with a real reason to entitle a blog "chatterbox." so, since i've used that one up, here i will begin what i've not so creatively titled "jabberwocky."


just within the past week has my strong, silent type turned into a jabbering monkey. he had been gnawing on anything within arm's reach and suddenly decided that the gnawing was much more fun while trying to talk. sure, i'd been noticing him putting vowel-consenant sounds together a LITTLE, but boy oh boy! he has really figured it out! he moves his mouth in so many ways now and i can actually see the comprehension when he is watching the way my mouth moves when i am talking to him. it's insane how different my boy is these days! i keep expecting to hear the ma-ma-ma or da-da-da sounds that i've been dying for. but seriously, the little jabberwocky is adorable. he talks, he plays, he scoots, and he just does so much more than he did six months ago... go figure! and six months has flown by!

he started cereal about a week and a half ago as well. that has been fun. much more work for me, but fun nonetheless. i decided at some point several months to go au naturale with mr.jude. so he is only breastfed, a co-sleeper, a sometimes slinger, and an organic, homemade food eater who waited nearly the full six months before his first bite. my doc (OBGYN) and jude's doc both talked to me in depth about the benefits of waiting and also doing the homemade thing. they both warned me full well about the dangers of starting solids too early and i'm glad i listened. it's not a method for every mom nor a path for every baby, but it totally worked for us. and i'm not so rigid that i waited until six months to the day (or later) for the cereal thing. i just did a lot of research, trusted my gut, and listened to jude. originally i had decided to start feeding him on christmas day, so that zachary could be a part of it, but of course things planned with babies never work out. but i did wait until a morning that zach was home from work to feed our little one for the first time. the morning time is ideally the best time to introduce new foods in case of allergic reactions to ensure that your ped's office will be open for just such an occasion. but luckily, there was no need of that for jude, though he did make terrible faces and act as though i was torturing him by feeding him on that initial day. but since then he has adapted nicely to the new texture and i have perfected my recipe and portion size for his rice cereal. i will say the rice has constipated him somewhat (not uncomfortably) and so i have added 1/2TBSP of organic pears to his morning ceral and 1TBSP of pears alone in the evening. it seems to have helped although he hasn't been going every day and so i guess it's one of those lovely TMI questions i will bring up with my pediatrician. but if there is one definite thing that has changed about me since i have become a parent, it is that nothing seems like TMI (too much information) to me nowadays. i call my mom to talk about jude's puke, poop, penis... everything. my friend elijah made the comment that he wished he could be a baby because all you have to do is survive and you are incredibly impressive. "oh look he's pooping, eating, smiling, etc... how special and wonderful!" lol. i guess it's totally true.

speaking of impressive, i have a super scooter on my hands these days also. he slides backward all over the hardwood floors like a pro. he can turn himself all the way around with his hands, too. on not-so-slippery surfaces he can get onto his knees and hold his position or rock back and forth for up to a minute before tiring or getting bored. it's astounding really. three and a half weeks ago he couldn't do that! i am so stoked to see this boy crawl. (though i do kind of dread having to chase him.)

mr.jude has also learned to sit unassisted. this was one of the clues that he was ready for solid food. just a couple weeks ago he could barely sit alone for a few seconds before tipping over, now he can sit for several minutes (or until he decides whatever is in front of him is no longer as interesting as what is beside him) but he still prefers to be on his tummy and moving around.

and since he's been much more easily entertained and self-entertaining, he is getting a little easier to travel with. today i took him with me to register for class and it wasn't all that much trouble. sort of. haha. no, he was great. very sweet, quiet, and clingy. he rarely makes a fuss these days (not that he ever really has) and is an absolute peach in public. he seriously just quietly clung to my shoulder and observed everything today until engaged by my advisor to whom he actually opened up to a little and even said a few ooo-glee-blahs.

i am just convinced that i have the best baby ever. especially lately. last month he went through a hard to get to sleep phase off and on and i sometimes have struggled to get him to nurse at night (hence the bottles at night for the past few months) and that kind of thing, but lately all of that has disappeared. he went through a week or so of teething discomfort recently, but since that has worn off for the time being, he is an angel. he goes to bed between 9-10:30 most nights now by nursing and then simply laying beside me with his pacifier. sometimes i have to rock him in my arms for a couple of minutes, but it's that easy really. i have noticed that he night-wakes or cat naps when no one is in the bed with him or at least close at hand, but i think that is a personality trait instead of a bad habit. and honestly why wouldn't i want to lay in bed next to that sweet boy for hours while he sleeps? it works for me, because when he is in another room sleeping, i am in and out of that room at least every 3 minutes. (worry wart, right here. admitted.) but anyway, so goes to sleep like a dream and then he sleeps until about 6ish when he nurses and goes back to sleep, wakes up around 9ish to nurse again and then usually goes back down until 11. i get to sleep in! it's lovely. he is totally his mother's child. and he never cries when he wakes up. he just starts talking, or either lays there silently and reaches out and touches my face. !!! i know, right? howwwww cute. i just love him!

i will admit that he is a whiner. a total and complete whiny-baby. he makes this cute little puppy sounding whine. and mostly during the evening or when he is hungry/tired. but it's hardly annoying, more endearing. he only cries when he is overly tired at night, sometimes when he night-wakes, or if he smashes his nose on the quilt or a toy. he got his first bruise last week! and it was all my fault. i felt like total crap about it and probably would have cried had i not been around so many people. we were at zach's cousin lauren's house visiting (she has a son, noah, who is just 19 days younger than jude) and i had him sitting in front of me and i turned to get a bib and he tipped over and hit his head on a cabinet. of course i was mortified, but he didn't even cry. i scooped him up and held him for a long time. did i mention that i felt really bad? ugh. it was the worst. and then a couple days ago mom was playing with him on his quilt and i was sitting on the couch next to them watching a movie and she had him sitting up and i guess we both got distracted by the movie but he definitely fell backwards and bonked his head on the floor. and cried. i immediately jumped up and swooped him up and talked gently and reassuringly to him (which usually works to calm him down) and he would stop cryingm think about it, and then start bawling again. it was really sad. again, i felt like the worst mom ever for not watching him. but i guess i do learn from these accidents. anyway, it still sucks...

what else? hmm... i don't know. it's 11:30 and i am utterly exhausted. i will write more later :)

reverse inchworm.

so i now have a baby who scoots all over the place! two weeks ago mom and i took him on a trip to gatlinburg and before we left he could barely raise hiw lower belly off of the floor. by the time we came back, he could push up onto his knees for about a second, in effect doing a reverse inchworm movement. and now, he can hold himself on his knees for quite awhile before throwing himself down in frustration. beds and couches are no longer a safe place to lay him down for more than 30 seconds. if i take my eyes off of him for a second, he has rolled over to his tummy and immediately starts scooting backward. i don't think he means to... in fact, it seems he would much prefer to move forward toward what he can see, but he is learning. he now rolls back over to his back when he gets too far from what he wants to grab. not that this helps much, but it's funny to see his little brain working out different means of transportation. but he isn't one of those constantly rolling babies as of yet. he likes to be on his belly so that he can reach out and grab his toys and pull them into his mouth. i'm sure laying on your back for most of five months got boring. now he has a new perspective and some new means of exploration. and he is quite the explorer.

he likes different textures, feeling and subsequently tasting anything he finds interesting. the xmas tree didn't taste great... and yet he is still reaching out for anything and everything. he adores faces. he is like a little blind boy touching and prodding and pulling on people's faces as a way of greeting them. and rarely does he meet a stranger. he always looks around for me, to make sure it is safe, and then goes right on with his business. and i am trying to give a little in the germaphobe department. i don't let strangers hold him, and i cringe and immediately wipe him down after a close encounter, but i have been letting him put his toys on the tables at restaurants sometimes. the worst thing now is that he is touching everyone's faces and MOUTHS which drives me nuts. especially when they let him put his hands in their mouths. yuck. there is such a multitude of bacteria in the human mouth, that i would almost rather a dog lick him! but i'm not as quick to wash him off as i used to be, and i find it a little easier to tell people what i don't like when it comes to things like that. no fingers or hands in his mouth (except occasionally mine) and no letting him put his fingers in your mouth. those are my only stipulations. everything else i just clean when i feel the need and i usually wipe his hands off frequently no matter what. but as for toys dropped, and things of that nature, i am more relaxed.

and i have been trying to mix his routine up just a bit, so that he doesn't always have to be home to nap and so that i can have somewhat of a social life. i've taken him to walmart a few times, to the mall a bit, and to visit some friends and family. most of this has mainly been due to the holidays, and i'm glad to settle back into our homebody lifestyle, but still if i need to run errands now i don't hesitate. the bigger, more comfortable carseat makes this much easier, and i feel better about driving 45 minutes with him being able to sit up in it and play with toys. he still isn't crzy about travelling, but at least he is better about sleeping in the carseat. the only downfall is that when he poops while in the carseat, it ALWAYS ends up out of the diaper. i suppose it is the way he is sitting, but it sucks. and when he is on long trips and has to have a bottle, it never fails to happen. i will say i've gotten more comfortable with packing his things and now know usually what i will need, but it is still a hassle if we are going to be gone for long.

let's see... what else? well, for starters, he screams now. long, loud, and piercing. and not because he is mad or anything, moreso just to hear his own loudness. he chuckles from time to time, but i've noticed most of his laughter is silent. he gets a huge, open-mouthed grin going and squeals intermittently, but you can tell the giggles would otherwise be flowing out of him. it's precious. he has the funniest little sense of humor. he chuckles when i stick my tongue out at him, make funny faces, and loves some of my crazy noises. bouncing him or throwing him up in the air usually makes him extremely excited and sometimes he will scream with delight or give me a resounding "HA". he really loves bathtime still, and squirms away from me to get into the water. and he likes mom's dog, belle, always smiling when he notices her. likewise, any moving toy or noisy toy absolutely cracks him up. he thoroughly enjoyed opening xmas presents, even though he only pulled the paper so that he could try to eat it. he was quite overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. he couldn't understand why we were all awake so early and being so chipper. he is used to lounging in bed with mommy until we decide to get up and then being greeted by people as they come and go. but for once his whole little family was there, uncle and all to shower him with attention and kisses. it was such a fun day. and he is such a spoiled boy.

oh, and he had his first cereal yesterday morning. xmas was too busy, and so i waited until his daddy could be home with us yesterday morning. nana and poppy "ooo-ed" and "ahh-ed" appropriately and cracked jokes when he made some pretty awful faces. he was not a fan AT ALL! he shivered away from it after a couple of bites and just kept spitting it out. he wanted the brightly colored spoon, of course, but nothing to do with that pasty, drippy crap on it. i must say i was a little discouraged, but i tried it in his bottle that night and he was fine and then this morning he ate like a pro. it was super cute. i can't wait to start fruits and veggies! i am making his cereal from organically grown rice, and will be continuing with organic fruits next, followed by organic veggies. it's so simple to make the cereal, and actually cheaper, that i wouldn't do it any other way! plus i have plenty of time to dedicate to my sweet boy and it just makes me feel good to be able to do this for him.

i am not looking forward to the upcoming semester. i hate it when i can't revolve my day around my little henryjude. everything is just happening so quickly now that i hate to miss a second!

roly-poly.

so i totally missed it! twice! tonight, while i was in lexington taking my psych final & then having dinner with a friend, jude accomplished the feat of rolling from his back to his belly. and then yesterday, when i stepped outside for FIVE MINUTES and left him in the supervison of my step-dad, he rolled from his belly to his back. true, the very first time jude rolled from his belly to his back on the floor, i was there. but that's been two months ago or more. and since then, he hasn't done it much. until a few days ago he preferred to stay put, knowing someone would roll him over or pick him up if he wanted a change of scenery. realizing this, my mother and i set to the task of inspiring him to roll himself over more frequently. until now, his attention span has been so short that he only wanted to have tummy time for about 5 minutes at a time before getting fussy.
however, over the course of the past week or so, something about my little jude has changed drastically. his attention span has slowly been lengthening. he is much more observant and understanding of the world around him, and most importantly, he is much more INTERESTED in everything. i remember a couple of months ago when he first started to realize that he could interact physically with the world around him. for the first time, he began to reach out for toys when they were put in front of him. and even before then, he began to grasp things when placed in his hands. eventually he started putting things in his mouth, and this oral exploration has led to his manipulation of objects in order to actually learn his capabilities. just last week, he was grabbing at my hand in attempt to put it in his mouth (which i, of course, don't allow him to do haha) and so i was holding my hand spread out so that when he tried to bring it to his mouth i was essentially palming his face instead. well, after a couple of tries, he figured out what was going on, pushed my hand out so that he could see it, choosing instead to grab two of my fingers and bend them so that he could fit them in his mouth! i pulled my hand away before he got the chance, but i was astounded at this learning behavior! before, he would have gotten bored after he was unable to get my hands in his mouth after the first few tries and then moved on to something else, but now he is actually learning to manipulate things to achieve a specific result. he does this with toys, washcloths, etc. holding them out in front of his face, studying them, and turning them this way and that in order to figure out the possibilities. it's so awesome.
and, in my opinion, it is precisely this behavior that has brought on the ability to roll in both directions. not only has he been learning how to manipulate objects handed to him or put directly in his line of vision, he is beginning to reach for objects that aren't very close to him. i assume this is due to his developing depth perception. as he is being carried around, if i linger for any length of time, he will begin reaching out for whatever is near. light switches, christmas garland on the staircase, books, the camera, etc. he also likes to grab at anything i am carrying, whether it be an armload of laundry, a dirty diaper, or even a glass of milk. he has thwarted my milk-drinking on many occasions, nearly causing me to spill glassfuls at very inopportune times. (and for those of you who don't know me, i say milk because 90% of the time, that's what i'm drinking)and as inconvenient as this all is, i must admit it's exciting as well as endearing.
what's more, for the past couple of weeks he has been discovering his feet. it began with him glimpsing them at bath time and during diaper chnages and has progressed as he has been bringing his legs up more and more. it seemed for awhile that a tubby belly was preventing him from bringing them high enough to grab, but low and behold this week he has started getting ahold of the little devils. next stop, his mouth, i'm sure. i'm just glad he's not too fat to do this, i was getting worried! lol!
so, all in all, we've seen some big changes this week. jude now loves tummy time and is extremely content to just lay in the floor on his blanket on both his belly and his back. he will play by himself for longer periods of time, though i still prefer to interact with him and talk about his toys and what he is doing as he begins to understand more. his little sense of humor is also developing as he now squeals in delight more often and gives me big, gummy grins more than ever. he has perfected his raspberry, preferring to put as much spit as possible behind it, and doing this all the time. he is too quickly becoming a mover and a shaker, learning more and more each day.

and all the while, mommy is learning more about her baby boy! i can pretty much decipher every cry, knowing if it is the need to burp, the desire to get up and walk around, frustration over an out of reach toy, or just wanting to be held close. it really gives me a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of intimate connectedness with my henry jude. sometimes when i'm cradling him in my arms, he simply looks up and coos, which i know is his version of "i love you, mommy" and it just melts my heart. it's such a soft, sweet sound, different from any other tone or pitch he uses, and unique to me. he has one for his daddy, too, i've noticed. and i just love it. i swear i never knew how amazing this parenting thing could be. even perpetually covered in spit up and smelling like poopy diapers, he is the single, sweetest thing in my life. i love my son more than the whole world.

and really quick, i just want to make note of our daily routine and his sleeping and eating habits so that i don't forget one day... right now he is sleeping through the night, going to bed a little later, and waking up usually once before going down for good. bathtime is still between 8 and 8:30, but is now followed by playtime if he isn't starving and then he usually has a bottle or nurses around 9-9:30. sometimes he goes right down, only to wake up thirty minutes later, and other times he fights to death before finally giving up and falling asleep after being walked and wrestled for about twenty minutes. then he may still wake up within thirty minutes, but usually goes back to sleep pretty quickly. he will sleep until sometime between 5 and 7am, nurse, and then either go right back to sleep or lay in bed with me until he falls back asleep. if he woke up around 5 or 6, then he will generally wake up a couple hours later to nurse again and fall right back asleep for two to three more hours, and then sometimes will wake up again, nurse, and sleep for another hour. if he didn't wake up until around 7 then most of the time he is harder to get back to sleep and sometimes i bring his playmat on the bed and let him play himself to sleep. two hours or so will go by, then he will wake up and nurse again and usually wants to get up and go play at this point. (all of these situations include about 4 diaper changes and his usual morning poop, haha)
after he's up for the morning, he likes to talk and play for anywhere from an hour to three hours before settling down for a mid-morning nap. we haven't been getting up until about 9:30 or 10 for a few weeks, so it's been a nice change from the 8am mornings. he doesn't nap as long as he did when we were getting up earlier, so he is usually back up and ready to play for a long time. by the afternoon, we have talked, tickled, played with stuffed animals, played on the playmats, had tummy time on the quilt, played in the exersaucer, walked around, done some chores, and sometimes read a few pages of alice in wonderland. he is a busy boy. he sometimes takes an afternoon nap before doing all these things over again, and sometimes waits to take an evening nap. he is still nursing about every two hours, but this has been fluctuating and he has recently started nursing more often and for longer periods, so i think he is going through a growth spurt. his four month check up he was 28inches long and last week he was already 29 inches. he seems to have maybe slimmed down a little but i think he looks slimmer because he is getting taller. i'm not sure. i'd love to have a digital baby scale, because it always seems like our scale here weighs heavier than the doctor's. but either way, he is still a big boy, rapidly outgrowing his clothes. he is still in size 3 diapers and wears 6-12 month clothes, 9 or 12 month sleepers, amd a few 12-18 month things. not sure about shoe size, because everytime we try to put shoes on him he curls his toes so they won't stay on or even really go on in the first place. if i had to guess, i would say a size 2 or 3. bathtime is still his favorite, he is still selective about his laughs, and he is getting more and more skilled at sitting up without tipping over. when he is propped against something, he can sit unaided, but usually leans forward for his feet or a toy and then topples over. however, just in the past week i can tell a difference in his posture and strength. it's amazing how it all happens!
hopefully i will be updating again soon!