november, the fourth month.

has it really almost been four weeks since i've updated?! it seems like i always mean to sit down and write about all the new happenings and then somehow get sidetracked and forget. motherhood, i suppose... always something to be done. and when he's napping, i've either fallen asleep with him in my arms or i'm scrambling to do a load of laundry or else trying to catch up on homework. i recall fondly a time two months ago when i actually read during my leisure time. but now with school added to the mix, i forget what "me" time is. on the bright side though, there is the occasional night when i've decided to put homework on hold that mom will keep jude so that zachary and i can catch a movie or go to dinner. but honestly, i hate leaving the kiddo. my uncle swears it's a normal part of being a good mom, but i worry that i'm ruining jude and myself with my separation anxiety. nonetheless, i just keep telling myself he's only going to be this small and vulnerable once, and that things will change when he gets older. and honestly, i feel completely content even without all the time to myself. experiencing human development firsthand is way more interesting. and fun.

speaking of human development, the past three and a half weeks have really been something. jude is developing an amazing little personality as well as mastering some important brain and motor functions. his "vocabulary" has expanded drastically, most recently adding what i like to call his "asthmatic old man" sound (which sounds a lot like a raspy version of expelling all of the air from his lungs, lol) and an increasingly proficient raspberry, or wet razzing sound. the raspberry just amazed me entirely. for two days he practiced blowing air out of his lips before he realized that if he stuck out his tongue he could really use the saliva to his advantage in the noise-making arena. not to mention make a funny game out of spitting in mommy's face. on that note, he is learning to read my facial expressions with uncanny accuracy. the other night he was laying on my mom's bed and her dog, belle, was running around like crazy and happened to jump in the spot where he was laying... well of course i completely freak out (although she didn't actually even touch him, she jumped over him) and at first he was fine and then he looks up at my horrified expression and immediately begins to wail. and if i'm crying or upset, he never fails to have a worried expression on little face. likewise, if i'm happy or smiling he will completely stop crying 99% of time to smile back in return. i know i am so repetitive in my descriptive adjectives, but he is simply amazing!

just in the span of the last week i have seen such an incredible advancement in him. he now reaches out for me to be picked up (something i worked with him on for a couple of weeks so that he could at least communicate in another way besides crying) and even "hugs" me when i hold him in my arms. his upper body strength has reached a capacity that allows him much more mobility and the infantile "floppiness" is nearly gone. i can roll him around and from his back to his belly without worrying about his neck for the most part. and although he still prefers not to roll over, if i prop him on his side he will roll to whichever position he desires to be in. instead of rolling over he has instead adopted the cutest technique of arching his back while craning his neck in order to look up behind him. it makes crib naps tricky because whereas i was once able to lay him down and stand at the head of his crib to observe without being seen, i now have to rely solely on sneak attempts and hope he is looking the other way, haha.

all of these new muscular abilities make tummy time so much more fun as well. assuring he isn't hungry (in which case he mainly just tries to nurse whatever he is laying on) he will play for an extended period of time on his tummy now. before, he would get tired and frustrated and whine to be turned over or else just give up and lay his head down. now he will reach out and grab toys in close proximity, which he has really only started in the past couple of weeks. before he would reach toward them, but seemed to get off balance and was unable to really grab with much dexterity. and as for dexterity, that has progressed in leaps and bounds as well. he has mastered passing a toy from one hand to the other, along with grabbing objects and turning them over and over to inspect them (usually inspecting for the best possible side to chew on). but all this is only when he doesn't constantly keep those little hands in his mouth, which is even more than before. his lack of teeth must really be killing him because although he doesn't cry about it, he certainly slobbers profusely and chews his fingers so hard and so voraciously i'm sometimes afraid he might hurt them. but he never does, and if even i hear an unpleasant popping sound of finger against gums, he never bats an eye.

another neat thing is has been doing is mimicking. he's been able to for over a month, but he was much more selective with who and what he mimicked. there were a couple of oooohhhs and ewwwws he prefered but now he's started to mimick sticking out his tongue, blowing raspberries, as well as continuing with the coos and smiles in turn. his favorite right now like i said before is the raspberry, and he in fact goes to sleep at night making that sound and wakes me up making that sound. he's very proud of his new accomplishment and seems to consider it a proficient form of communication for "hello, look at me." perhaps my most favorite new "trick" is his laughter. he is extremely selective with it, really making you earn a laugh and even then only when he is in the mood. so far he's laughed for mom while she was playing with him and tickling him, laughed at me chasing the dog around and being chased in return, and laughed for zach while in the bathtub. and it's almost always been close to bedtime when it's happened. he definitely squeals in delight and gives a good, hearty "hah" all during the day, but it seems he saves his peals of laughter for his favorite time of day.

in all honesty, he is a little shy. i don't discourage this yet, as i see it as an intrical part of his developing personality, but if it comes with any sort of anxiety, i will have to work with him on it. he prefers to stay home with just a couple of people around (he always needs a small audience) and likes to be talked to quite a bit. when i take him to a strange place he reacts by clamming up, grinning only when provoked, and just generally going inside his little cancerean shell. but usually the moment i have him in my arms he turns back into his little outgoing self. it's so funny to observe this change in him. i know that this behavior in some form will carry on into adulthood for him, as it does with the majority of july-borns. but i think a lot of it right now is just his desire to be at home in a comfortable environment. which suits me just fine. i never forget how many fans he has out there and how tremendous his family's love is for him, but i also hope that everyone (my friends included) know how hard it is to pack him up and hit the road.

if mom and i aspire to take him to even lexington (which is just 30 minutes from her house), it takes the better part of an hour or more just to pack up his essentials. and then you get him in the carseat only to find he has wet his diaper. so by the time he's taken out, changed, then probably thrown up on his clothes from being jostled so much, it's another twenty minutes before you can get on the road. and then there's the perils of the drive. and although i do constantly worry about a car wreck while he's in tow, this isn't what i mean in this particular case. i am referring to the 50/50 (or more honestly 70/30) chance of his ending up in a screaming fit in his carseat. and trying to drive any length with a breastfed baby is a task one does not undertake without much ambition. i have a pump, which helps, but still is not the immediate gratification of being able to just pick him up and nurse him. if i choose the latter, it involves pulling the car over to a safe area, getting him back out of the carseat, nursing him, trying to get him to burp relatively quickly, and then the inevitable diaper change, followed by getting him buckled back in and settled, before attempting to pull back out into traffic. and if i choose the former and pump a bottle for him, my nerves must endure a 10-15 minute extended period of screaming and crying until the bottle is ready. goodness. i am getting anxious just talking about it! i mean, there are the blessed times when he is in the perfect balance between awake and getting sleepy where he is actually lulled to sleep by the vibration of the vehicle... but these times are few and far between. i'm almost always praying silently for these occasions when i decide to risk travelling, but what i would really prefer is if people would just come visit him instead of vice versa. hearing my baby crying in the car just works in such on my heart and my nerves that by the time we get wherever we are going, i am exhausted and attempting to fake a good mood. surely everyone who has ever had children can at least understand what this is like, and even if their children just so happened to be angels who loved car rides, they could imagine what it would have been like if they didn't.

my life is entirely revolving around the needs of my child right now. maybe when he is old enough to understand the reasons behind the things we do, this will change. i won't be a mother who gets walked all over by an unruly child, but while he is so young and simply doesn't understand the means to an end that is involved in being strapped down in his car seat for an hour, i will make concessions for him. after all, he is unspoilable until around 9 months of age anyway. right now all he knows is that by crying he is communicating his discomfort to me. but it breaks my heart to hear it. i really do wish he got to see more of his family more regularly. my grandmother and grandfather make occasional trips to see him, but my great-grandparents are really a little too old for so much driving. about once a month or so we brave the trip to london where most of my mom's family lives, but it takes so much out of him. he is so used to being comfortable at home, taking naps without distraction, and eating at whatever frequency he wants. he isn't used to being passed hand to hand and back around again without getting time to himself playing on his mat or in his exersaucer. by the time i get him home that night, he's too exhausted to settle into his nighttime routine, fussy, and i know i will be getting up every few hours.

and the bedtime routine is just settling back down after yet another change. he went through a period where he wanted to stay up very late and then had to be walked to sleep. but now he has settled back into his 9ish bedtime after having a long and relaxing bath and playing a bit before i thaw him a bottle which he goes to sleep eating. i usually give him a bottle at night for a couple of reasons. it is still breastmilk, but i like to know he is taking a full 5-6oz before he goes to bed. also, most nights he is tired and fusses when i try to breastfeed him. bottles are easier, and it doesn't affect his nursing habits to have an occasional bottle like it does for some babies. but i still far prefer to nurse him. there is something about the connection we share and the bond we are building as mother and son when we are that closely connected. i like being the provider of his nutrients and watching him grow healthy on my careful diet. i like mastering the continuing challenges of breastfeeding as well. my favorite part is the physical relaxtion that my body self-induces when i feed my son. apparently it stimulates the release of a chemical that allows a mother to mellow out and be able to focus on her child. i know this happens for me. jude and i have perfected our art in such a way that we can both lay down, curled into each other, and usually end up napping face to face. it's such a sweet experience and i want to be able to do this for as long as possible. i told my grandmother 12 months and she smirked and said more like 18, haha. well, time will tell, and we will know when we are ready to move on to formula.

i simply feel such an overwhelming love for my little son that it's tough to describe it in words. it's a love that fills me to my very essence, that stirs all the energy that is my being, and could extinguish the flame of my soul with a simple breath. it's a private love in a world that i share only with him, our beautiful masterpiece that we perfect every day. when intruded upon, i feel as though a hole has been cut right through my center leaving me vulnerable and exposed for everyone to see. when he is not in my arms or in my sight i am possessed by an overwhelming longing, a physically painful need, for his warm little body as though we are still connected by the cord that was severed at his birth. he is a bodily representation of the love i share with the man that is his father, his sweet daddy that he loves oh so well. he connects us now and forever, no matter what the future brings, and solidifies a love that was dreamed up by an artist creator. he is ours, and he is mine, simultaneously. he is from a sacred place that people of our world do not have the breath to name. he is jude.