reverse inchworm.

so i now have a baby who scoots all over the place! two weeks ago mom and i took him on a trip to gatlinburg and before we left he could barely raise hiw lower belly off of the floor. by the time we came back, he could push up onto his knees for about a second, in effect doing a reverse inchworm movement. and now, he can hold himself on his knees for quite awhile before throwing himself down in frustration. beds and couches are no longer a safe place to lay him down for more than 30 seconds. if i take my eyes off of him for a second, he has rolled over to his tummy and immediately starts scooting backward. i don't think he means to... in fact, it seems he would much prefer to move forward toward what he can see, but he is learning. he now rolls back over to his back when he gets too far from what he wants to grab. not that this helps much, but it's funny to see his little brain working out different means of transportation. but he isn't one of those constantly rolling babies as of yet. he likes to be on his belly so that he can reach out and grab his toys and pull them into his mouth. i'm sure laying on your back for most of five months got boring. now he has a new perspective and some new means of exploration. and he is quite the explorer.

he likes different textures, feeling and subsequently tasting anything he finds interesting. the xmas tree didn't taste great... and yet he is still reaching out for anything and everything. he adores faces. he is like a little blind boy touching and prodding and pulling on people's faces as a way of greeting them. and rarely does he meet a stranger. he always looks around for me, to make sure it is safe, and then goes right on with his business. and i am trying to give a little in the germaphobe department. i don't let strangers hold him, and i cringe and immediately wipe him down after a close encounter, but i have been letting him put his toys on the tables at restaurants sometimes. the worst thing now is that he is touching everyone's faces and MOUTHS which drives me nuts. especially when they let him put his hands in their mouths. yuck. there is such a multitude of bacteria in the human mouth, that i would almost rather a dog lick him! but i'm not as quick to wash him off as i used to be, and i find it a little easier to tell people what i don't like when it comes to things like that. no fingers or hands in his mouth (except occasionally mine) and no letting him put his fingers in your mouth. those are my only stipulations. everything else i just clean when i feel the need and i usually wipe his hands off frequently no matter what. but as for toys dropped, and things of that nature, i am more relaxed.

and i have been trying to mix his routine up just a bit, so that he doesn't always have to be home to nap and so that i can have somewhat of a social life. i've taken him to walmart a few times, to the mall a bit, and to visit some friends and family. most of this has mainly been due to the holidays, and i'm glad to settle back into our homebody lifestyle, but still if i need to run errands now i don't hesitate. the bigger, more comfortable carseat makes this much easier, and i feel better about driving 45 minutes with him being able to sit up in it and play with toys. he still isn't crzy about travelling, but at least he is better about sleeping in the carseat. the only downfall is that when he poops while in the carseat, it ALWAYS ends up out of the diaper. i suppose it is the way he is sitting, but it sucks. and when he is on long trips and has to have a bottle, it never fails to happen. i will say i've gotten more comfortable with packing his things and now know usually what i will need, but it is still a hassle if we are going to be gone for long.

let's see... what else? well, for starters, he screams now. long, loud, and piercing. and not because he is mad or anything, moreso just to hear his own loudness. he chuckles from time to time, but i've noticed most of his laughter is silent. he gets a huge, open-mouthed grin going and squeals intermittently, but you can tell the giggles would otherwise be flowing out of him. it's precious. he has the funniest little sense of humor. he chuckles when i stick my tongue out at him, make funny faces, and loves some of my crazy noises. bouncing him or throwing him up in the air usually makes him extremely excited and sometimes he will scream with delight or give me a resounding "HA". he really loves bathtime still, and squirms away from me to get into the water. and he likes mom's dog, belle, always smiling when he notices her. likewise, any moving toy or noisy toy absolutely cracks him up. he thoroughly enjoyed opening xmas presents, even though he only pulled the paper so that he could try to eat it. he was quite overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. he couldn't understand why we were all awake so early and being so chipper. he is used to lounging in bed with mommy until we decide to get up and then being greeted by people as they come and go. but for once his whole little family was there, uncle and all to shower him with attention and kisses. it was such a fun day. and he is such a spoiled boy.

oh, and he had his first cereal yesterday morning. xmas was too busy, and so i waited until his daddy could be home with us yesterday morning. nana and poppy "ooo-ed" and "ahh-ed" appropriately and cracked jokes when he made some pretty awful faces. he was not a fan AT ALL! he shivered away from it after a couple of bites and just kept spitting it out. he wanted the brightly colored spoon, of course, but nothing to do with that pasty, drippy crap on it. i must say i was a little discouraged, but i tried it in his bottle that night and he was fine and then this morning he ate like a pro. it was super cute. i can't wait to start fruits and veggies! i am making his cereal from organically grown rice, and will be continuing with organic fruits next, followed by organic veggies. it's so simple to make the cereal, and actually cheaper, that i wouldn't do it any other way! plus i have plenty of time to dedicate to my sweet boy and it just makes me feel good to be able to do this for him.

i am not looking forward to the upcoming semester. i hate it when i can't revolve my day around my little henryjude. everything is just happening so quickly now that i hate to miss a second!

roly-poly.

so i totally missed it! twice! tonight, while i was in lexington taking my psych final & then having dinner with a friend, jude accomplished the feat of rolling from his back to his belly. and then yesterday, when i stepped outside for FIVE MINUTES and left him in the supervison of my step-dad, he rolled from his belly to his back. true, the very first time jude rolled from his belly to his back on the floor, i was there. but that's been two months ago or more. and since then, he hasn't done it much. until a few days ago he preferred to stay put, knowing someone would roll him over or pick him up if he wanted a change of scenery. realizing this, my mother and i set to the task of inspiring him to roll himself over more frequently. until now, his attention span has been so short that he only wanted to have tummy time for about 5 minutes at a time before getting fussy.
however, over the course of the past week or so, something about my little jude has changed drastically. his attention span has slowly been lengthening. he is much more observant and understanding of the world around him, and most importantly, he is much more INTERESTED in everything. i remember a couple of months ago when he first started to realize that he could interact physically with the world around him. for the first time, he began to reach out for toys when they were put in front of him. and even before then, he began to grasp things when placed in his hands. eventually he started putting things in his mouth, and this oral exploration has led to his manipulation of objects in order to actually learn his capabilities. just last week, he was grabbing at my hand in attempt to put it in his mouth (which i, of course, don't allow him to do haha) and so i was holding my hand spread out so that when he tried to bring it to his mouth i was essentially palming his face instead. well, after a couple of tries, he figured out what was going on, pushed my hand out so that he could see it, choosing instead to grab two of my fingers and bend them so that he could fit them in his mouth! i pulled my hand away before he got the chance, but i was astounded at this learning behavior! before, he would have gotten bored after he was unable to get my hands in his mouth after the first few tries and then moved on to something else, but now he is actually learning to manipulate things to achieve a specific result. he does this with toys, washcloths, etc. holding them out in front of his face, studying them, and turning them this way and that in order to figure out the possibilities. it's so awesome.
and, in my opinion, it is precisely this behavior that has brought on the ability to roll in both directions. not only has he been learning how to manipulate objects handed to him or put directly in his line of vision, he is beginning to reach for objects that aren't very close to him. i assume this is due to his developing depth perception. as he is being carried around, if i linger for any length of time, he will begin reaching out for whatever is near. light switches, christmas garland on the staircase, books, the camera, etc. he also likes to grab at anything i am carrying, whether it be an armload of laundry, a dirty diaper, or even a glass of milk. he has thwarted my milk-drinking on many occasions, nearly causing me to spill glassfuls at very inopportune times. (and for those of you who don't know me, i say milk because 90% of the time, that's what i'm drinking)and as inconvenient as this all is, i must admit it's exciting as well as endearing.
what's more, for the past couple of weeks he has been discovering his feet. it began with him glimpsing them at bath time and during diaper chnages and has progressed as he has been bringing his legs up more and more. it seemed for awhile that a tubby belly was preventing him from bringing them high enough to grab, but low and behold this week he has started getting ahold of the little devils. next stop, his mouth, i'm sure. i'm just glad he's not too fat to do this, i was getting worried! lol!
so, all in all, we've seen some big changes this week. jude now loves tummy time and is extremely content to just lay in the floor on his blanket on both his belly and his back. he will play by himself for longer periods of time, though i still prefer to interact with him and talk about his toys and what he is doing as he begins to understand more. his little sense of humor is also developing as he now squeals in delight more often and gives me big, gummy grins more than ever. he has perfected his raspberry, preferring to put as much spit as possible behind it, and doing this all the time. he is too quickly becoming a mover and a shaker, learning more and more each day.

and all the while, mommy is learning more about her baby boy! i can pretty much decipher every cry, knowing if it is the need to burp, the desire to get up and walk around, frustration over an out of reach toy, or just wanting to be held close. it really gives me a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of intimate connectedness with my henry jude. sometimes when i'm cradling him in my arms, he simply looks up and coos, which i know is his version of "i love you, mommy" and it just melts my heart. it's such a soft, sweet sound, different from any other tone or pitch he uses, and unique to me. he has one for his daddy, too, i've noticed. and i just love it. i swear i never knew how amazing this parenting thing could be. even perpetually covered in spit up and smelling like poopy diapers, he is the single, sweetest thing in my life. i love my son more than the whole world.

and really quick, i just want to make note of our daily routine and his sleeping and eating habits so that i don't forget one day... right now he is sleeping through the night, going to bed a little later, and waking up usually once before going down for good. bathtime is still between 8 and 8:30, but is now followed by playtime if he isn't starving and then he usually has a bottle or nurses around 9-9:30. sometimes he goes right down, only to wake up thirty minutes later, and other times he fights to death before finally giving up and falling asleep after being walked and wrestled for about twenty minutes. then he may still wake up within thirty minutes, but usually goes back to sleep pretty quickly. he will sleep until sometime between 5 and 7am, nurse, and then either go right back to sleep or lay in bed with me until he falls back asleep. if he woke up around 5 or 6, then he will generally wake up a couple hours later to nurse again and fall right back asleep for two to three more hours, and then sometimes will wake up again, nurse, and sleep for another hour. if he didn't wake up until around 7 then most of the time he is harder to get back to sleep and sometimes i bring his playmat on the bed and let him play himself to sleep. two hours or so will go by, then he will wake up and nurse again and usually wants to get up and go play at this point. (all of these situations include about 4 diaper changes and his usual morning poop, haha)
after he's up for the morning, he likes to talk and play for anywhere from an hour to three hours before settling down for a mid-morning nap. we haven't been getting up until about 9:30 or 10 for a few weeks, so it's been a nice change from the 8am mornings. he doesn't nap as long as he did when we were getting up earlier, so he is usually back up and ready to play for a long time. by the afternoon, we have talked, tickled, played with stuffed animals, played on the playmats, had tummy time on the quilt, played in the exersaucer, walked around, done some chores, and sometimes read a few pages of alice in wonderland. he is a busy boy. he sometimes takes an afternoon nap before doing all these things over again, and sometimes waits to take an evening nap. he is still nursing about every two hours, but this has been fluctuating and he has recently started nursing more often and for longer periods, so i think he is going through a growth spurt. his four month check up he was 28inches long and last week he was already 29 inches. he seems to have maybe slimmed down a little but i think he looks slimmer because he is getting taller. i'm not sure. i'd love to have a digital baby scale, because it always seems like our scale here weighs heavier than the doctor's. but either way, he is still a big boy, rapidly outgrowing his clothes. he is still in size 3 diapers and wears 6-12 month clothes, 9 or 12 month sleepers, amd a few 12-18 month things. not sure about shoe size, because everytime we try to put shoes on him he curls his toes so they won't stay on or even really go on in the first place. if i had to guess, i would say a size 2 or 3. bathtime is still his favorite, he is still selective about his laughs, and he is getting more and more skilled at sitting up without tipping over. when he is propped against something, he can sit unaided, but usually leans forward for his feet or a toy and then topples over. however, just in the past week i can tell a difference in his posture and strength. it's amazing how it all happens!
hopefully i will be updating again soon!

new blog.

i started a new blog. i intend on writing in it as much as possible. i think i'd like to publish it one day.
http://judeseyeview.blogspot.com

november, the fourth month.

has it really almost been four weeks since i've updated?! it seems like i always mean to sit down and write about all the new happenings and then somehow get sidetracked and forget. motherhood, i suppose... always something to be done. and when he's napping, i've either fallen asleep with him in my arms or i'm scrambling to do a load of laundry or else trying to catch up on homework. i recall fondly a time two months ago when i actually read during my leisure time. but now with school added to the mix, i forget what "me" time is. on the bright side though, there is the occasional night when i've decided to put homework on hold that mom will keep jude so that zachary and i can catch a movie or go to dinner. but honestly, i hate leaving the kiddo. my uncle swears it's a normal part of being a good mom, but i worry that i'm ruining jude and myself with my separation anxiety. nonetheless, i just keep telling myself he's only going to be this small and vulnerable once, and that things will change when he gets older. and honestly, i feel completely content even without all the time to myself. experiencing human development firsthand is way more interesting. and fun.

speaking of human development, the past three and a half weeks have really been something. jude is developing an amazing little personality as well as mastering some important brain and motor functions. his "vocabulary" has expanded drastically, most recently adding what i like to call his "asthmatic old man" sound (which sounds a lot like a raspy version of expelling all of the air from his lungs, lol) and an increasingly proficient raspberry, or wet razzing sound. the raspberry just amazed me entirely. for two days he practiced blowing air out of his lips before he realized that if he stuck out his tongue he could really use the saliva to his advantage in the noise-making arena. not to mention make a funny game out of spitting in mommy's face. on that note, he is learning to read my facial expressions with uncanny accuracy. the other night he was laying on my mom's bed and her dog, belle, was running around like crazy and happened to jump in the spot where he was laying... well of course i completely freak out (although she didn't actually even touch him, she jumped over him) and at first he was fine and then he looks up at my horrified expression and immediately begins to wail. and if i'm crying or upset, he never fails to have a worried expression on little face. likewise, if i'm happy or smiling he will completely stop crying 99% of time to smile back in return. i know i am so repetitive in my descriptive adjectives, but he is simply amazing!

just in the span of the last week i have seen such an incredible advancement in him. he now reaches out for me to be picked up (something i worked with him on for a couple of weeks so that he could at least communicate in another way besides crying) and even "hugs" me when i hold him in my arms. his upper body strength has reached a capacity that allows him much more mobility and the infantile "floppiness" is nearly gone. i can roll him around and from his back to his belly without worrying about his neck for the most part. and although he still prefers not to roll over, if i prop him on his side he will roll to whichever position he desires to be in. instead of rolling over he has instead adopted the cutest technique of arching his back while craning his neck in order to look up behind him. it makes crib naps tricky because whereas i was once able to lay him down and stand at the head of his crib to observe without being seen, i now have to rely solely on sneak attempts and hope he is looking the other way, haha.

all of these new muscular abilities make tummy time so much more fun as well. assuring he isn't hungry (in which case he mainly just tries to nurse whatever he is laying on) he will play for an extended period of time on his tummy now. before, he would get tired and frustrated and whine to be turned over or else just give up and lay his head down. now he will reach out and grab toys in close proximity, which he has really only started in the past couple of weeks. before he would reach toward them, but seemed to get off balance and was unable to really grab with much dexterity. and as for dexterity, that has progressed in leaps and bounds as well. he has mastered passing a toy from one hand to the other, along with grabbing objects and turning them over and over to inspect them (usually inspecting for the best possible side to chew on). but all this is only when he doesn't constantly keep those little hands in his mouth, which is even more than before. his lack of teeth must really be killing him because although he doesn't cry about it, he certainly slobbers profusely and chews his fingers so hard and so voraciously i'm sometimes afraid he might hurt them. but he never does, and if even i hear an unpleasant popping sound of finger against gums, he never bats an eye.

another neat thing is has been doing is mimicking. he's been able to for over a month, but he was much more selective with who and what he mimicked. there were a couple of oooohhhs and ewwwws he prefered but now he's started to mimick sticking out his tongue, blowing raspberries, as well as continuing with the coos and smiles in turn. his favorite right now like i said before is the raspberry, and he in fact goes to sleep at night making that sound and wakes me up making that sound. he's very proud of his new accomplishment and seems to consider it a proficient form of communication for "hello, look at me." perhaps my most favorite new "trick" is his laughter. he is extremely selective with it, really making you earn a laugh and even then only when he is in the mood. so far he's laughed for mom while she was playing with him and tickling him, laughed at me chasing the dog around and being chased in return, and laughed for zach while in the bathtub. and it's almost always been close to bedtime when it's happened. he definitely squeals in delight and gives a good, hearty "hah" all during the day, but it seems he saves his peals of laughter for his favorite time of day.

in all honesty, he is a little shy. i don't discourage this yet, as i see it as an intrical part of his developing personality, but if it comes with any sort of anxiety, i will have to work with him on it. he prefers to stay home with just a couple of people around (he always needs a small audience) and likes to be talked to quite a bit. when i take him to a strange place he reacts by clamming up, grinning only when provoked, and just generally going inside his little cancerean shell. but usually the moment i have him in my arms he turns back into his little outgoing self. it's so funny to observe this change in him. i know that this behavior in some form will carry on into adulthood for him, as it does with the majority of july-borns. but i think a lot of it right now is just his desire to be at home in a comfortable environment. which suits me just fine. i never forget how many fans he has out there and how tremendous his family's love is for him, but i also hope that everyone (my friends included) know how hard it is to pack him up and hit the road.

if mom and i aspire to take him to even lexington (which is just 30 minutes from her house), it takes the better part of an hour or more just to pack up his essentials. and then you get him in the carseat only to find he has wet his diaper. so by the time he's taken out, changed, then probably thrown up on his clothes from being jostled so much, it's another twenty minutes before you can get on the road. and then there's the perils of the drive. and although i do constantly worry about a car wreck while he's in tow, this isn't what i mean in this particular case. i am referring to the 50/50 (or more honestly 70/30) chance of his ending up in a screaming fit in his carseat. and trying to drive any length with a breastfed baby is a task one does not undertake without much ambition. i have a pump, which helps, but still is not the immediate gratification of being able to just pick him up and nurse him. if i choose the latter, it involves pulling the car over to a safe area, getting him back out of the carseat, nursing him, trying to get him to burp relatively quickly, and then the inevitable diaper change, followed by getting him buckled back in and settled, before attempting to pull back out into traffic. and if i choose the former and pump a bottle for him, my nerves must endure a 10-15 minute extended period of screaming and crying until the bottle is ready. goodness. i am getting anxious just talking about it! i mean, there are the blessed times when he is in the perfect balance between awake and getting sleepy where he is actually lulled to sleep by the vibration of the vehicle... but these times are few and far between. i'm almost always praying silently for these occasions when i decide to risk travelling, but what i would really prefer is if people would just come visit him instead of vice versa. hearing my baby crying in the car just works in such on my heart and my nerves that by the time we get wherever we are going, i am exhausted and attempting to fake a good mood. surely everyone who has ever had children can at least understand what this is like, and even if their children just so happened to be angels who loved car rides, they could imagine what it would have been like if they didn't.

my life is entirely revolving around the needs of my child right now. maybe when he is old enough to understand the reasons behind the things we do, this will change. i won't be a mother who gets walked all over by an unruly child, but while he is so young and simply doesn't understand the means to an end that is involved in being strapped down in his car seat for an hour, i will make concessions for him. after all, he is unspoilable until around 9 months of age anyway. right now all he knows is that by crying he is communicating his discomfort to me. but it breaks my heart to hear it. i really do wish he got to see more of his family more regularly. my grandmother and grandfather make occasional trips to see him, but my great-grandparents are really a little too old for so much driving. about once a month or so we brave the trip to london where most of my mom's family lives, but it takes so much out of him. he is so used to being comfortable at home, taking naps without distraction, and eating at whatever frequency he wants. he isn't used to being passed hand to hand and back around again without getting time to himself playing on his mat or in his exersaucer. by the time i get him home that night, he's too exhausted to settle into his nighttime routine, fussy, and i know i will be getting up every few hours.

and the bedtime routine is just settling back down after yet another change. he went through a period where he wanted to stay up very late and then had to be walked to sleep. but now he has settled back into his 9ish bedtime after having a long and relaxing bath and playing a bit before i thaw him a bottle which he goes to sleep eating. i usually give him a bottle at night for a couple of reasons. it is still breastmilk, but i like to know he is taking a full 5-6oz before he goes to bed. also, most nights he is tired and fusses when i try to breastfeed him. bottles are easier, and it doesn't affect his nursing habits to have an occasional bottle like it does for some babies. but i still far prefer to nurse him. there is something about the connection we share and the bond we are building as mother and son when we are that closely connected. i like being the provider of his nutrients and watching him grow healthy on my careful diet. i like mastering the continuing challenges of breastfeeding as well. my favorite part is the physical relaxtion that my body self-induces when i feed my son. apparently it stimulates the release of a chemical that allows a mother to mellow out and be able to focus on her child. i know this happens for me. jude and i have perfected our art in such a way that we can both lay down, curled into each other, and usually end up napping face to face. it's such a sweet experience and i want to be able to do this for as long as possible. i told my grandmother 12 months and she smirked and said more like 18, haha. well, time will tell, and we will know when we are ready to move on to formula.

i simply feel such an overwhelming love for my little son that it's tough to describe it in words. it's a love that fills me to my very essence, that stirs all the energy that is my being, and could extinguish the flame of my soul with a simple breath. it's a private love in a world that i share only with him, our beautiful masterpiece that we perfect every day. when intruded upon, i feel as though a hole has been cut right through my center leaving me vulnerable and exposed for everyone to see. when he is not in my arms or in my sight i am possessed by an overwhelming longing, a physically painful need, for his warm little body as though we are still connected by the cord that was severed at his birth. he is a bodily representation of the love i share with the man that is his father, his sweet daddy that he loves oh so well. he connects us now and forever, no matter what the future brings, and solidifies a love that was dreamed up by an artist creator. he is ours, and he is mine, simultaneously. he is from a sacred place that people of our world do not have the breath to name. he is jude.

chatterbox.

this week i've seen a crazy increase in how much my little jude is "talking". he gurgles, squeals, and makes a wider assortment of sounds than he ever has. and if i ever thought he was vocal before now, i was totally wrong. unless he is tired he is constantly jabbering. it's adorable and amazing how quickly these things change! he is a little shy in a crowded room or around people he doesn't see often, but usually he warms right up after awhile.

like i said, this is a new development, and strange since he was starting to get more quiet in the week prior to this. i contributed it to his gums aching from teething, but i guess you never know. babies go through lots of stages as they grow and develop. and i'm really starting to see his preferences changing, or i guess really actually becoming more specific. if you hold a couple different things in front of him, he will reach for the one that piques his interest the most. tonight in the bathtub, for instance, he chose a clear plastic cup over a bright red foam letter. he likes to hold cylindrical objects like cups and bottles, i've noticed. he held his bottle for more than a couple of seconds for the first time when my aunt was feeding him the other day. and he will reach for my mom's water bottle as if he knows what to do with it.

he is also beginning to show preferences for people, which i have been waiting for. sometimes he will get fussy until i take him, which i think is one of the best feelings in the world. and for awhile now he has watched me to see where i am when someone else is holding him. and even though zachary works all day and even sometimes has practice and doesn't get home until after he already asleep, he knows his daddy and loves him oh so well. he watches zach when he is sleeping next to us in the morning and when he hears his voice he turns to look for him and smiles. and of course because he spends a considerable amount of time with mom, i can tell she is his favorite person to "talk" to, probably even over me. he squeals the loudest and talks the most when he sees her talking to him. he's a very loveable little fella.

he still really enjoys his play mats, and when i have something i'm doing or if i'm exhausted i can lay him on one, turn on the music, and watch him have a blast. not sure if i've mentioned this, but just so i can remember this in the years to come i'll talk about it again... his favorite mat is probably his baby einstein because it has a sunshine that plays music and lights up. if i put him on this mat, he seriously looks up first to that sun and smiles a gigantic smile. but i think he prefers the stuffed animals hanging from his tinylove playmat because he talks more to them. the einstein mat is bright, primary colors and the tinylove mat is more tropical colors. he is still very visually stimulated, while he likes music and toys that are noisy, he has yet to try and purposefully shake a rattle because of the sound it makes. he's very much in his oral phase still, tasting everything rather than looking at it or listening to it. most of this, though, i attribute to his teething pains.

and as for teething, i'm nearly positive he's got one on the way, though probably in the very early stages. i look around when he's got his mouth wide and sometimes use a washcloth to pry his lips open or feel and there is still no tooth bud or hard spots. everyone wants me to feel around all the time, but they can simply find some patience. i really don't understand the need of anyone to put their fingers in my baby's mouth, even if it is to feel for teeth. the teeth are going to come in at the same pace regardless of whether or not you know they are there, aren't they. ugh. it's aggravating really. the ONLY time i put my finger in his mouth is to apply orajel before bedtime and only after i've washed and washed and scrubbed my hands and fingernails (which i've cut as short as possible).

the teething sensations are what have been disrupting his sleep, too. at least i'm pretty sure. supposedly night-waking is a symptom of teething. he usually wakes crying (most of the time a single cry) about an hour to two hours after he falls asleep and sometimes in the early morning after he gets in bed with me. but unlike when he needs a night feeding, he is easily jiggled back to sleep by the vibration of his pack-n-play. he's been sleeping from about 9-5 or 6 lately which is much nicer than 4, but either way is fine with me. he's learning to get himself back to sleep and sometimes i'll even let him lay awake in bed with me and talk himself (and me) back to sleep without getting up to walk him or anything. his naps have been more erradic since teething, as well, which makes it even harder to plan visits, errands, feeding times, etc. sometimes he sleeps for 3-4 a couple of times with a few scattered 20-30 minute naps. other times he sleeps once for 2-4 hours with or without scattered, shorter naps. and then there are the really hard days where he barely naps at all for longer than an hour.

breastfeeding is still going strong and i have no plans to discontinue, but it is getting tougher with the crazy nap schedules. i find myself pumping more often than i've ever had to for fear of losing my milk supply. it may just be because i had gotten lazy with the pumping, or because i was thawing bottles for him when he was fussy during a feeding, but it seems like my supply is getting a little lower. i am pumping more often this week, like i said, so it could just be that this is the normal amount i have at each feeding time and those 6-8oz bottles i was getting from each side were due to not pumping every two hours and instead stretching it out to 4 or more. either way, i'm trying to keep up a more regular schedule with nursing and pumping to ensure my supply stays ample throughout the next several months. i think i'll die if i have to switch to formula.

let's see... what else?

well, we have started letting him have some tummy time in the bathtub, which he loves. he's gotten so strong. he's able to do push ups and get his entire chest and most of his upper belly up off the ground which is cool considering he could only lift his shoulders for the longest time. he is also able to lift his chest without his arms by arching his back and this also lifts his legs and feet. rather cute. and he is still wanting to stand as opposed to laying on either his back or belly. he likes to try and sit up, and can sit for about a second or two before tipping over, but he is trying hard to be a big boy! as of oct. 27 he officially switched to size 3diapers though he wore them at night for about a week before that. it's insane how fast he is growing and gaining weight!

we don't go to the doc until nov. 12th, but i measured him at nearly 28 inches and on mom's scale he weighed about 19lbs. we will have official measurements next week. i'll update then. :)

ten whole hours.

ten whole hours... that's how long mr.jude slept twice in a row this past week! it was simultaneously amazing and terrifying. waking up at five in the morning and realizing jude hasn't stirred: scary. my mind immediately jumps to worst possible scenario; sometime in my deep slumber my baby has stopped breathing and is now going to be blue and cold. morbid, i know. but this is part of my motherhood psychosis. in reality, however, my baby is sleeping soundly, probably dreaming of a giant breast with endlessly flowing milk. so i relax, and try to go back to sleep but now wake up every thirty minutes to make sure he is still ok. yeah, i'm usually this crazy, don't worry. but on the bright side, my son is trying to learn to sleep through the night. too bad his version of sleeping through the night is 7:30pm-4:30am. but it's alright, we will sync our schedules sometime, hopefully before his tenth birthday...

and he still hasn't rolled over anymore. but that's ok, too. i read a few articles and some babies just don't feel a need to. generally ones that are held a lot. so this past week we have had an increased amount of tummy time, which usually ends when he buries his face repeatedly into the blanket and tries to nurse it. what can i say? i'm raising a healthy eater! haha. i actually stepped on the scale with him and it said he is nearly twenty pounds, but we will see the accuracy of that when we go for his four month check-up in a couple of weeks. all i know is that he has almost completely outgrown all of his 3-6month clothes and is fitting 6-12months quite comfortably.

i was actually able to put him in his bear suit a few times lately, which is very cute. it's supposed to be sized 12 months but it came from mini-boden which is a british company and their clothes all seem a little smaller than the GAP or Old Navy. he's also ooutgrown most of his shoes, which is sad because he didn't get to wear a lot of them. he has some fat little feets! mom and kevin just got back from TN and brought him some merill's and a pair of nike's. adorable. he even worse his new balances the other day and they are a size 2.

still, for being as big as he is, i think he is extremely well-proportioned. his head isn't too big or too small and everything seems pretty symmetrical to me. he's quite lovely in photographs. :)

it's so weird how much having a child of your own changes your long-standing views on the silliest things. we all said we wouldn't turn into our parents, but i have found it's impossible. even helping raise siblings or younger cousins, or spending a lot of time with the babies of close friends doesn't prepare you for the psychotic break you undergo when it's your very own heart beating out there in front of you. you simply want everything to be perfect. all the time. and you quickly learn how impossible that also is, but it sure doesn't keep you from trying. i said at least a million times that i wouldn't be one of those germaphobe mommies chasing my kids around with antibacterial wipes, but sure enough... that will probably be me. i won't even put my fingers in his mouth to feel for teeth for fear that something under my nails will make him sick. but i don't really consider that too outlandish. i mean, he is only four months old... his immune system just isn't ready for the creepy crawlies we accumulate on our person everyday from the outside world. i'll wait until he is old enough to pick up the germs for himself.

older generations may not understand my feelings on the subject of germs, but let's face it, our world is just a little dirtier than it was 20 or 40 years ago. sorry, nanny! haha. and for all those trying to convince me that they fed their kids table scraps from the time they were infants... our table scraps are now over-processed, hormone-injected, pesticide sprayed, and preservative filled garbage. and jude is not having any part of it. little girls are hitting puberty younger and younger because of the hormones now found in meats and cow's milk. it's frightening. my OB/GYN (whom i look up to very, very much for her wonderful, although a little abstract, parenting skills) recommended breastfeeding for a year and beyond as the major source of nutrients. she says their digestive tracts aren't able to handle much else until at least about 6 months of age and then they don't need that much supplementation. she uses her food processor to puree organic fruits and veggies for her daughter and only resorts to the canned variety when on the go. and i feel very strongly about sticking to her advice.

even if everyone can't agree with me, that's alright. i don't look down on anyone else for the decisions they make for their kids. jude is mine and zachary's, and only ours. no one has the right to make decisions for him except us, no matter their intentions. i have educated myself to the best of my abilities about anything i come across dealing with babies, and this falls next to my own experiences and intuition about what is right for my son. and i am satisfied and happy with those decisions.

and as far as development goes, he's stll chugging right along with the average, nothing too exceptional or too delayed. he's still very vocal and loves to be talked to, but i had to completely cut him off of the tv because he was becoming too interested in it and not interacting. the American Association of Pediatrics recommends no television for children under the age of two and i have to say i agree. he just completely becomes a vegetable when he spots the television screen. at first i thought, well that should be ok because his little brain is studying the lights and sounds, but after doing a lot of research i found that it can have harmful effects instead. it can contribute to ADD/ADHD because of the overstimulation it causes with the constant changing sounds and lights and can create developmental delays in social skills because they are focusing all of their attention on an inanimate object instead of spending time socializing with adults (which teaches them the beginnings of language and conversation at this very critical age). what's more, they are spending less time exploring their surroundings and handling objects, which is supremely important in their understanding of the world around them. so, i'm convinced. no tv for jude. at least not now. maybe we will introduce some educational videos when he can actually understand a little bit, but for now it's the all mommy and daddy network.

reminiscing.

jude may not even be four months old yet, but i still get teary-eyed when looking back at pictures of his first few weeks. i'm sitting and watching a friend's video of his new daughter and it makes me desperately miss that fragile little boy i had three months ago. and i know i've said i'm glad for him to be out of that incredibly breakable stage, and i am, but i can't help but miss the days he fit securely in the center of my chest, near my heart, unable to roll off on his own. we still sleep in the bed we put up in his bedroom, and given it is a full-size bed and not a queen, but there is increasingly less room for the three of us when i bring jude into the bed. and i long for those simple days when slept most of the time, sometimes, when i'm utterly exhausted. i'm so glad now to interact with him, but he was just so sweet laying there with his eyes closed all the time! his constant need to be up and moving isn't a hindrance or an annoyance, it just reminds me that he needs me less and less. perhaps that is what keeps me so focused on breastfeeding and therefore successful in continuing with it. that is our time, just mommy and jude. he is really hard to share! and so many people want to spend time with him. lately that has been on my mind a lot. i worry about what our families think about the time he is available to them. and it crushes me with an unbearable weight. one on hand, i feel the overwhelming desire to please everyone. and on the other hand i feel the days i have at home with him at this age slipping through my fingers quicker than sand. and it feels that the more time i spend with him, the more time i need. i'm not ready to be away from him for even a night, i know this. and i hate when he is out of my sight. i worry about all the crazy little things that could happen, or especially the things that i am missing. i'm terrified that someone will have him in the other room away from me and he will finally laugh out loud and i won't see it. i am struggling everyday to hold myself together; to envision the days he will run to me yelling "mommy!" and hug me, while clinging to the memories we are making right now. i think this first year is so important, with so many "firsts" and i refuse to miss out on any of them. i already kick myself for not taking more live video these first few months. but nonetheless, i suppose it's hard to get everything perfect the first time, not knowing what to expect so i can't be too hard on myself.

as for what is going on in jude's world... well, firstly he slept 8 glorious hours last night. i woke up at 6 thinking for sure he had stopped breathing sometime during the night, but alas, he was sleeping ever so soundly. he had actually gone to sleep around 9:30 and then woke up being carried upstairs and so i nursed him back to sleep at 11:30 and he slept through until 7:30. needless to say, mommy felt somewhat refreshed. he's been taking about 3 short naps and one long nap everyday. 3-6pm is usually when he takes his long naps, but it sometimes varies. in all honesty, his napping times and frequency makes it hard to have company or go visit anyone. i hate disturbing him worse than almost anything because, like clockwork, if he doesn't get his naps out he is grumpy and won't sleep well at all that night. but we did find a new way of getting this fussy boy to sleep. while we were walking around toys r us, mom was carrying him in a cradle hold but facing out and he went to sleep without us even noticing. and sleep is becoming more important to me because especially since this cold weather has set in i have been feeling persistently drowsy and exhausted. and that's no good for anyone... also, mom got jude an exersaucer. it's amazing and he adores it. mostly because he likes to stand up or sit like a big boy. this thing is like a stationary walker with toys all around it for him to explore. he's not toy crazy or anything yet, but he likes to touch, mouth, and listen. and drool all over it! he's still drooling pretty consistently, especially if there is food cooking, but i haven't seen any teeth yet and i refuse to put my fingers in his mouth because of germs, like i said before. especially with all these yucky versions of the flu spreading like wildfire. i'm actually debating on a flu shot for myself but not quite convinced.

anyway, i hear him waking up and i'm going to collect him before he wakes his dad, who worked 24 hours this weekend. :)

how time flies when you're having fun!

wow! so it has been over two weeks since my last post! where did those days go?! i remember after posting my last update i was already wanting to post again like the next day but i kept telling myself "no, wait until there is a real milestone!" well, those milestones came and went and i totally lapsed in posting about them so now i don't know on which days they occurred! sad, i know...

but, on the bright side, those milestones HAVE occurred and are being perfected with each passing day. so, in the past two weeks...

jude has finally had his "ah-ha" moment with his hands. it was actually less than a week after i last wrote when his hand passed in front of his face and he kind of looked in the direction it went and since then every time one of them is in front of his face he just stares and stares... and then puts it in his mouth. haha. the hand to eye to mouth, and eye to hand to mouth are his favorite new series of development. sometimes his touch reflex to grab then results in him unknowingly flailing a soft toy or rattle around until he spots it and then directs it to his mouth for tasting. other times he watches, for instance, his toys dangling from his carseat, reaches toward them until he at last gets a good grip on one, and then proceeds to bring it toward his mouth. i read an article about whether or not to discourage babies/toddlers from taste-testing everything and believe it or not, it is actually a good learning tool for them to mouth everything. well, obviously not EVERYTHING, but things you can monitor and clean. like their toys, blankets, clothes, etc. they aren't just tasting, they are using their tongue and mouth as an exploratory tool like their fingers. which jude also loves to keep near his mouth at all times. one of my biggest peeves, because of this, is people who grab his hands without first santizing their own and especially people who kiss his hands or allow him to put his hands in/around their mouths. it makes me wonder if people are unaware of how dirty the human mouth is! once he is a bit older, it won't be so much of a worry but right now he is busily developing a fragile immune system and simply doesn't need the extra germs and bacteria. and for heaven's sake, it is flu season!!!

grumbling aside, i am happy to say that in the past two weeks, jude's first cold is not on the list of milestones. i attribute his pretty excellent immunity thusfar to breastfeeding and avoiding contact with too many people and public places due to the H1N1 catastrophy. the very last thing i want for him is to get sick. i am not exactly the horrible germaphone i was during his first 8 weeks, but i am still a proud believer in handwashing and germ-x. so, if you want to hold or play with my baby, use it! you can never be too careful.

oh, and jude has finally rolled over. i was really starting to get worried about this since he doesn't get much time to himself between me, my mom, and zach everyday, but he has once again proved his proficiency. just yesterday i laid him on his tummy on a playmat and he immediately rolled over to his back like he had been doing it for years. when i rolled him back over, he spit up, so i abandoned the attempt for an extended practice session. zach saw him roll over a few weeks ago, but this was the first time on a completely flat surface that he accomplished it. exciting.

we still don't have an out loud chuckle or real giggle, although he does squeal with delight and make "ha" sounds when he thinks something is funny or exciting. he is still very verbal, and getting moreso each day. tummy time is one of his favorite times for squealing and making excited sounds, and the morning and nighttime are his favorite times for conversations. he spends a lot of time quietly observing his surroundings, and attempting to mimick sounds i make to him. music and loud sounds such as rattling now quiet him and interest him. which helps if he gets restless in the car. he still prefers the simpler baby songs to complex music, and because of this he really seems to like the early Beatles' songs. and tv... oh gosh. already. i keep reassuring myself that it is only because of the flashing lights (another favorite of jude's) and differing sounds, but he will actually sit and watch the tv as if in a trance. i sat him up next to his boppy on the couch and he watched Madagascar 2 for about 10 minutes. i have been trying to limit how much exposure he has to the tv, but right now i must say it's pretty cute. :)

he is determined to grow up so fast! now that his head is almost completely steady when he is upright he thinks it is time to sit up. when laid on his back, he does little crunches in attempt to bring himself to a sitting position, and when he is propped up at an angle, with a little help from me of course, he can pull himself upright. he loves to sit like a big boy and i guess explore his world from a new point of view. it's amazing.

along with new views of exploration, it appears as though his eyesight is getting better and more extensive. for a couple of weeks he has been really interested in bright colors and no longer just black and white or contrasting ones. he seems to prefer red right now and like i mentioned earlier he really digs flashing lights of any color. the brighter, the better now. and he can see small things now, and studies them very hard. he is also noticing my mom's dog when she walks past his line of sight.

and speaking of all this visual exploration, as i said it is so neat the way it ties into his sense of touch. what he sees he now wants to touch or hold. and he is improving his motor skills each day. at first, it was more of a shaky movement in the direction of whatever he had spotted, but his hands are getting more steady and his aim more accurate. i can't wait until he figures out how to purposefully make sounds with his toys.

above all else, however, he still prefers faces to toys. he notices the camera when i take a picture now but once he realizes my face is behind it, he forgets about it and concentrates on me. he is really grinning so much, and sometimes when he just looks up and smiles at me for no reason at all, it still makes me want to cry.

just a quickie to see if i've still got it.

i fear most
the pen to the paper
hurried for tides washing away ink
to depth known or unknown
it's hard to care
for more than the moment
(does it truly exist?)
worlds transmuted transatlantic
him to him
my sorrow increasing in measure
with my smiles
stretching farther than the east indian trade routes
into a hell i've built
for you
for me
to become heaven in routine
and out of the ordinary
laced in curtains curtailing
your every move
i care not
yet only so much
you are everything, you have become
one half
of the center of my universe
my sun.
our son.
the reason.

iron man.

apparently i'm raising a future body-builder. :)

weighing in at nearly fifteen pounds at eight weeks old earned an exclamation of "breastfeeding seems to be working out for him!" from the nurse as we laid him on those cold little baby scales. and then with the measuring tape... 24 inches! it really hit me how big he was when i saw my grandmother holding him the other day. she looked even smaller in stature next to my big boy. and the thing is, he isn't all that chubby. just "solid" as my papaw put it. we actually have a hard time sizing him in clothes because everything for babies seems to be square where he is more rectangular. the past couple of weeks he has transitioned from size 0-3M to 3-6M. long and lean, that's my baby jude. and strong. he can already sit pretty well in his bumbo chair, with only the occasional head nodding and bobbing. and on his tummy he can push himself up until his arms are completely straight and his head is facing forward. and he's been doing that for a couple of weeks now. this morning i was holding him under the arms and letting his feet hit the floor and he was jumping off of the ground. it almost makes me sad to know he is growing so quickly. as terrified as i was at the time, i am starting to miss those really fragile first weeks. now when he eats, he is sitting in my lap instead of me holding him in my arms. sigh...

and as of today he is officially in size 2 diapers. i've been putting it off for a week because i didn't want to admit that he was really getting that big, but after being peed on while nursing a couple of times and nearly ruining about five outfits with poop that just wouldn't stay put, i have decided it's time. double sigh...

the only reassuring thing about his getting older are his responsive little smiles and ever-growing curiosity and attentiveness. and i say it every night while i am wrestling him to sleep, but he is such a cancer! emotional to the core. moody. homebody. momma's boy. empathetic. comfort-seeker. etc... it may sound like a bad combination, but in reality he is one of the sweetest and funniest little babies i have ever seen. he won't fall asleep unless we are cuddling or nursing, and is definitely a soothe-sucker. me, a bottle, or a pacifier (though he prefers momma) and his eyes shift to out of focus and close quicker than you can blink. anything less and he'll force himself to stay awake until the cows come home.

he's starting to get distracted at bedtime and when he eats by anything bright, moving, or any contrasting colors. it makes it increasingly hard to nurse him on a schedule because it may take 45 minutes for him to eat. he'll nurse awhile, then unlatch himself and stare at the fan, nurse, smile at the wall, and so on. it's terribly cute though. just like the thumb-sucking. as zachary says, this little boy has me wrapped around his littlest finger so he can continue to do whatever it is he is doing with his hands. i keep telling zach that he doesn't understand the meaning of manipulation and cause/effect for quite a few more months, but there is no convincing him, and sometimes i'm not quite convinced myself.

all i know is that i'm falling harder with the passing of each day.

ten incredible weeks.

today marks ten whole weeks of life for our little henry jude. being so accustomed to counting life in weeks since pregnancy, i find it hard to name his age in months. particularly since the way most people count their children's age is by the actual day the child was born. for instance, jude would have been considered two months old on september 7th, whereas he was actually 8 weeks old on september 1st. i'm so torn as to how best to describe his age. oh well, ten weeks works for now.

he is growing so fast; i simply cannot stress that enough. today for the first time he has sucked his thumb. he's been gnawing on those fists for about three weeks now and found his thumb about three days ago, but it was this evening when he finally realized how to get it into his mouth and use it as a pacifier substitute. i was amazed, although slightly disappointed that he has decided to become a thumb-sucker. it's extremely cute but orthodontically a nightmare.

i've noticed him becoming more aware of his hands, though he isn't really using them purposefully yet except to chew on and to rub his eyes. this past week he has started to rub his eyes when he gets tired, which i find to be really sweet. it's been so exciting to watch him do this, as it wasn't that long ago that he was only taking notice of his hands if one of them happened to get close enough to his mouth with all the flailing about he was doing. i have yet to see an "ah ha" moment where he realizes that those things swinging around above his face are under his control, but i'm waiting patiently. i guess the more things he can do with them, the more he will come to understand the possibilities. he can grab and hold things easily now but it will be fun to see him reach for something. right now, he is starting to grab everything that touches his hands. blankets, rattles, fingers, and my hair.

and every day he becomes more and more vocal. he now imitates sounds i make like "hiii" and "ooooooo" and watches my mouth and facial movements with complete fascination. he raises his eyebrows in a variety of expressions and even scowls. like i've said, he becomes more animated daily.

as far as sleeping habits, things have changed and continue to change from time to time. the first six weeks he slept so much during the day that he woke up every two hours during the night to eat, but as time has gone on he started going about four hours during the night and two to three during the day. he slept eight full hours for the first time a couple of weeks ago and until his vaccinations last tuesday was sleeping six to eight every night. since the vaccinations he has been sleeping about four hours, but i'm hoping that will lengthen again. "bedtime" the first month or so was whenever we went to bed (usually after midnight) just because he was only sleeping for two hours at a time and was doing so all day long. eventually we started to get him into a routine of bathtime between 8-9pm and bedtime between 9:30-10:30pm with a feeding inbetween. nursing is the easiest way to get him to sleep, especially if we are laying down in the bed together. although i've read a lot of dr.sears and his philosophies on co-sleeping it wasn't something i was really comfortable with until after the first month. there were nights during those early weeks that i let him sleep on my chest but i was so afraid of smothering him or accidentally rolling over with him there that i didn't sleep well at all. and even now, i let him sleep until the first time he wakes (now it is around 2-2:30am but it was between 4:30-6am) and then i bring him to bed to nurse and sleep out the duration of the night. i think the important thing is what works for each family and this works for us.

our daily routine is always subject to change, but generally our day starts around 8 or 9am when he wakes up and we talk and play for awhile. if i get up with him then he will stay awake for a little while before needing a nap but if we stay in bed he will sleep with me until 11am or later. it's indescribeably nice to have a baby who lets me sleep in if i want. he has just recently started to get fussy when he is tired. he acts hungry, but most of the time a pacifier and a good patting or rocking will put him right out. i'm in the bad habit of not letting him get himself to sleep, but he is able so hopefully i won't ruin him. after we get up we spend the day either hanging out watching movies, or reading, sometimes cleaning, and most of the time with my mom at her house by late afternoon. his favorite things to do are stare at walls, ceiling fans, and we try to go outside and walk around at least a couple of times every day, which he loves. he is usually nursing every two to three hours but sometimes he cluster-feeds so it's every hour and really wears me out. inbetween active awake time, feedings,and quiet wakeful observation, he naps. naps can be anywhere from 15 minutes to three or more hours. and if he has been allowed a generous number of naps during the day, he almost always sleeps better at night.

this is all i can think to say for now since it's getting so late. until next time!

the first entry.

following in the steps of my favorite motherhood commemorator, i proudly introduce what she calls my "grown-up blog" for the life i'm leading as a first-time mommy! i can definitely say that my experience couldn't have been what it is without her creative inspiration, most importantly following her lead in photography and blogging. thanks to miss kayla nunn, i now have pictures of my growing bump as well as posted thoughts and happenstance of each precious week of my pregnancy. it's been so much fun to read her journals and check out her pics to see a glimpse of what my future what would like!

what's more, once her little story jade joined the world in february, i got to witness (through the miracle of the internet!) what life after bump could be like! it really helped keep my spirits high through those last four, almost five, months to see her little bundle blosoming beautifully as my belly just seemed to bulge bigger and bigger... and now that my bouncing boy has finally made his arrival as well, it's interesting to compare objectively our life experiences as well as continually glimpsing in the direction we are headed as a new family who doesn't necessarily fit the "normal" mold and is proud of it!

so for now i leave you with earlier blogs that i've posted on facebook since the birth of my bouncing baby boy, henry jude...

take a sad song & make it better. (week one!)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 4:38pm

today marks the end of mine & zachary's first week of parenthood. and i can't begin to put into words what this experience has been. astonishing, fantastic, overwhelming, and perfect are just a few terms that i might use.


i assumed that no longer being pregnant would bring a certain relief that i had been praying for over the past few months. the last thing i expected was to miss it. but honestly even the first few hours after jude was born i was already feeling phantom kicks and twists in my belly. and then once i saw how fragile he was all i could think was how much safer he would be back in the womb. but once i held and comforted him, nursing him for the first time, i knew it didn't get any better than that feeling.


immediately after he was born, i remember looking over to where they were cleaning him up and seeing that tiny body and hearing those powerful lungs crying out and just crying with him. it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life. by far. then they put him in my arms and he was so alert, looking for the sound of my voice and blinking rapidly. and i fell in love.


each day since then i have only fallen harder and harder for the angel face that my world now revolves around. all he does is eat and sleep and i couldn't find anything more interesting to do than simply sit and stare if i tried. and when those little eyes are open and he is awake for those short periods of time, oh my. my my my. i long to know what he is thinking about so much it is almost painful.


and he grows so quickly. today was his first visit to the pediatrician and he now weighs 8 pounds and 4 ounces and is 22 inches long. he was born at 8 pounds and dropped to 7pounds and 11 ounces before we left the hospital (which is totally normal) and so he has gained a pretty significant amount. the doctor, who just so happened to be the first doctor to see me after i was born which was a neat coincidence, said he was a "keeper". :) perfectly healthy and fine.


there is so much more to say but for now i would much rather be spending time with my son. <3



nearly six weeks & how time flies.

Saturday, August 15, 2009 at 11:48pm

i couldn't lie to you and say it's been easy. it's a journey, as is all else in life. becoming one half of this partnership called parenthood, becoming one whole mother to one tiny infant, and trying to be myself all at the same time.


my recovery from childbirth has been a long one. aside from the physical recovery, which included perpetual exhaustion due to mild anemia, it's been a tough road emtionally and mentally. i'd heard stories of postpartum depression and never truly understood until i dealt with its consequences. hormones are raging and dropping catastrophically and there's little anyone can do to try and feel balanced. i cried, i felt anger, i experienced the sensation of being totally lost and alone, became overwhelmed, battled loss of apetite, and dealt with more emotions than ever in my life. but i feel now as though i have conquered that stage in all of this. i feel healthy and in control, even comfortable with all of my new responsibilities.


perhaps my favorite part of motherhood is the rewarding feeling of having mastered breastfeeding. it is much more of a challenge than you might think. suffering through the nasty stages of engorgement and soreness, being determined not to stress over whether or not you are producing enough milk for your baby's growth and development... these situations brought me to tears. but finally jude and i surpassed the obstacles and now get to spend quality time together doing something only we can share. the very thought that i alone can provide the most beneficial nutrition for my son is overwhelmingly amazing. the Lord has truly designed this perfectly, and i am most blessed.


also, after agonizing and much prayer and deliberation, i've decided to stay home with jude instead of returning to work. i hope my boss and my wonderfully dear co-workers will understand that although i need the money, i feel like i've made the best decision for my baby. as amazing as my mother is, and not diminishing what a help she has been to me for the past month and a half, i don't want her to have to raise my son. i would be working as much as zachary and neither of us would be home with jude until 6pm each weekday. after the birth of your child, you realize how many "firsts" they experience daily. to miss out on any of these seemingly miniscule events would be devastating to me. and though it is tough for me to stay closed up in our house with the baby all the time, i know how worth it all this time spent will be in the end.


in short, the bond that jude and i share is unlike anything. i have fallen more in love with him as each second passes by. and this love that i have for him has made me love zachary more deeply as well. the fact that we, as a team, have done this and are doing this is utterly astounding. he is the best partner i could ask for, the best father, and my best friend. watching his interactions with jude makes my heart skip a beat. jude loves his daddy so much and i couldn't be any more thankful for such a bond between those two, and the bond that the three of us share together because of it. like i said so many weeks ago, jude truly has sprung up from a love between two people that was so great the only expression left was the creation of new life. i look at our son and what i see is a love made eternal in the form of a soul. our two hearts are now lying there, intertwined for a lifetime that will reach beyond ours...



two months of life.

Saturday, August 29, 2009 at 11:45pm

what a loaded title for this note. two months of life for my beautiful baby boy. two months of life for his father and i. i never lived until i lived every day with my son. all those experiences you think are making life worth it are nothing compared to the absolute elation and completion you feel when you have a child. he is someone to share my world with and someone i can share with the world. my first great contribution.


i won't go on and on about the love i have for jude this time. instead, i will tell you a little about the changes we have been going through. i look back at pictures of his birth and the subsequent couple of months and the change is astounding. tonight i looked back at the pictures from the hospital and luckily when uploaded onto the computer they have date and time stamps. we have pictures of his first breath at 11:28 and his first minute at 11:29. i can't imagine what it must have felt like to be so green, so new. he had yet to really experience anything and at the same time had just had the biggest experience of his life. for nine long months he was swimming around in a warm fluid with only muffled sounds and my heartbeat for company, until he was forcefully expelled from that home into a much, much larger one. something my mother-in-law said will always stick with me: "here he was in this strange, loud place not sure about anything and when he heard your and zach's voices, the look on his face was 'oh ok, ok... i know those voices, and if they are here too then this place can't be that bad'. it warms my heart to tears. can you imagine something so foreign as an entire world shift? i was so captured by the thought of everything being so new to him that i spent the next several weeks taking more than a thousand pictures to record every new experience he had... first time he heard the song "hey jude", first time he rode in the car, first trip to nana's, etc... it is so unbelievable that i was there to witness someone's first time being outside in the sunshine. and the way he reacs to all these new experiences has changed so dramatically already. every day he becomes more interested in his world and learns to express himself in a manner that we can understand. for the past three weeks, he has been learning to smile. possibly my favorite milestone so far! he really enjoys his morning feedings when the sun has come up and we talk to and smile at each other for awhile before he falls back to sleep. he gets more interactive all the time. he is finally past the eat, sleep, poop stage and actually gets bored if he stays in one place for too long. he is very vocal about what he wants. he smiles in response to things that please him, too. for instance, he loves the picture frames hanging on the wall behind our couch and smiles when he glances up and notices them. he really likes the taste of his mylicon gas drops, which are the only other things he has tasted besides breastmilk and formula. and he isn't picky when it comes to a bottle. i prefer him to have breastmilk, but he has had about four bottles of formula and drains them like a champ. something really fun was taking him swimming for the first time on his daddy's birthday. we finally shed the swim trunks and diaper and let just let him be and he kicked and wiggled his heart out. he is very relaxed by water of any sort, which is fitting i suppose since he is a water sign astrologically. bathtime has gone from an unfortunately necessary experience for him to his favorite part of every day. i guess the 6 extra pounds of body fat help with not getting so cold because he has also stopped crying during clothing and diaper changes. another change has been his skin and hair. at around 3 weeks old he got the red rash that a lot of babies get and started getting bad heat rashes and that has finally cleared up for the most part and his skin doesn't seem to be as sensitive. around the same time he started to lose that pretty strawberry blonde hair he was born with and it is now growing back as what seems to be dark blonde. his eyes, too, have changed, going from dark blue to dark grey. it has been so strange to watch his little face bloom before my eyes. his cheeks are rounder, his eyes brighter and more knowing, and his entire demeanor more brilliant. i cannot wait for the first laugh, the first time he says 'mommy', and the first steps he takes. until then, i will be poised and ready with my camera so as not to miss a single second. :)

7/7/09 11:30pm

two minutes of life.




8/26/09 10:51am

seventy-one thousand, two hundred and forty-three minutes of life.